


Teach Me To Be Human

by tiniestbauble



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Doctor - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Medical Fic, Patient!Phil, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, a lot of medical jargon, doctor!dan, mentions of diseases, more tags shall be added as the fic progresses, phanfic, sometimes in detail, trigger warning, tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-03-08 06:43:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13452690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiniestbauble/pseuds/tiniestbauble
Summary: There were three things, three rules in fact that Daniel Howell had been told all his life- 1) He has to be a surgeon. A very good one at that. 2) Nobody in med school is your friend; they are all competitors. Do not, under any circumstances, befriend them, and, 3) Patients are neither your friends nor loved ones. You can't operate your family or friends without your hands shaking and sweat trickling down your spine. So patients cannot be friends. They are just people you operate upon and treat.And Dan broke all of those rules over the first week of his internship.





	1. Another Turning Point, A Fork Stuck In The Road

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is the first chaptered fic that I'm posting as I'm working on it. So honestly don't know how the updating schedule will be. But I'll try to post every once a week. Mostly Mondays/Tuesdays. But don't hold me to it. I'm not knowing for being the most scheduled person in the world. Sorry for the massive wordy medical jargon-y thing this first chapter is but I kind of wanted to lay down the background before progressing the story. As it's a medical fic, it deals with diseases, especially Cancer. So if it's something that could affect you in any way, it's safe to not not read it. Hope you guys like it! Also I cannot guarantee this is how the UK system of medicine works but let's take a creative liberty here where my research has failed. Thank you!  
> PS- I have this thing where I want to post a fic on a certain celebratory day or something like that, so today where I am- 23rd Jan is Measure you feet day, National handwriting day and National pie day...well go measure your feet guys!

There were three things, three rules in fact that Daniel Howell had been told all his life- 1) He has to be a surgeon. A very good one at that. 2) Nobody in med school is your friend; they are all competitors. Do not, under any circumstances, befriend them, and, 3) Patients are neither your friends nor loved ones. You can't operate your family or friends without your hands shaking and sweat trickling down your spine. So patients cannot be friends. They are just people you operate upon and treat.

And Dan broke all of those rules over the first week of his internship.

“Fuck!” The brown haired boy cussed, as he tried to iron his white coat last minute and ended up give my himself a minor burn on his thumb. But he couldn't be bothered to run it under the tap water or find ice. He just sucked on his thumb and finished ironing the coat with his other hand, hurriedly putting it on. He quickly grabbed his bag, keys and stethoscope from his study table before running out the door. He wondered how much trouble he'd be in for being late on the very first day of actual work after slogging through all the years of pre-med and med school..

It didn't matter that he was at the bottom of the food chain of the hospital and the most exciting thing he'd probably get to do as a medical intern would be collect blood samples, suture skin incisions and if he was really really lucky, assist an operation. He had his own hospital to practice all of these things well sufficiently, under guidance of none other than his parents. He had in fact done many of the small the small procedures in his second year of med school itself while other students were just learning to take a patient’s history. Internship was a compulsory part of med school for practice before doctors well, became doctors. It was a complete hands-on practical work after four and a half years of just studying the human body in great detail. It was the first chance to put that knowledge to work. It was the time where after experiences in different fields, these young doctors could choose what field to specialize in. But for Dan, internship was merely a thing he had to finish to get his degree. He had had plenty of practice at his parents own private hospital in London. And he always had to become a surgeon. That path was laid down for him. Internship was a new start for all of his colleagues, but for him it just felt like a tunnel he had to go through to reach the other side, than a new journey of self-discovery.  

There was probably only two branches Dan hadn’t had practical experience with for reasons he thought were obvious. One being Gynaecology and Obstetrics and the other being Forensic Medicine. Dan decided that the birthing process was probably the least exciting thing after witnessing a couple of deliveries as a medical student in his third and fourth year. It was no miracle of life. No it was blood and poop and pee and mucus and putting your hands in an abnormally stretched vagina to make sure no blood clots or placental bits were left behind. Gynaecology and Obstetrics was one posting Dan was not looking forward to in his internship. And he didn’t like Forensic Medicine either because after a person died, their bodies were cut into much carelessly, sutures taken for the sake of it, to return the body back in one piece. And even then it’d not be in one piece because some organs were removed to keep for chemical analyzation. Sometimes there’d be no body, there’d just be pieces of a body, of someone who’d had a terrible accident and pieces of the body were assembled together, of the body not the person. There was no patient in Forensic Medicine, just a body, and Dan found that way too disrespectful. Because that person was alive hours ago, was a living, breathing person who felt things, and now they were just a body. It was too macabre of a choice for Dan. Good thing Forensic Medicine in internship was optional.

“Hey could you tell me where the interns are supposed to gather today?” He asked a sweet looking old nurse as he finally found himself in the administration office, the only place someone might have an idea. He could’ve called someone from his class, but he barely talked to anyone and it would be awkward if they found out that being a Howell, he did not know where to gather for Interns Orientation Program.

“Umm I think they’re up on the third floor? I saw a lot of you younglings, running up there. Try the Internal Medicine staff room. Dr Grayson usually conducts it,” She said with a smile.

“Thank you,” Dan said with a hurry and dashed to the third floor by the stairs. He had learnt from his childhood days in hospitals that you can’t wait for those lifts, especially not if you’re getting late.

By the time Dan reached the Internal Medicine staff room, he found his classmates standing around the short, grey-haired, stern looking Dr Grayson. He wished it was anyone but him conducting the Orientation Program. Dan had long decided in his second year of med school, during clinical rotations that Dr Grayson hated him from the day he had learnt he was the son of Jenna and Arthur Howell.

“Late again Howell? Assisting your parents last night?” Dr Grayson asked him with a sneer.

Dan’s cheeks turned pink and he stared down at his shoes, which he then realised were untied. It was a miracle he had not slipped by now.

“Where was I, before I was rudely interrupted? Oh yeah- Do not perform a procedure unless you’re a hundred percent sure you’ll do it right. You aren’t playing silly clinical rotations game that you played in med school. You are an intern now and you can’t, under any circumstance hurt a patient because of your incompetence. If you feel you can’t do it right, ask a resident or a doctor to show the procedure to you again and again till you get it. You are to be nice and polite to all patients. You are to respect all your residents, the doctors, the nursing and other helping staff and most importantly the patients and their privacy. I don’t want any of the patient’s details or anything about them on you Facebooks and Twitter, even if it’s the biggest gall bladder stone you’ve seen or the cutest baby you’ve witnessed being born. I’m not going to pay that money for your stupidity. And those that perform poorly-” Dan felt Grayson’s eyes boring into him as he said that word, “Will repeat the whole rotation of that particular branch under me and my expert colleagues. Now let’s divide you into your branches. You’re going to stay in the main branches- Internal Medicine, General Surgery, Obstetrics and Gynaecology and Paediatrics for a total of 14 weeks during which time you’ll also go through their sub-branches like Anaesthesia and Psychiatry for 2 weeks each. And their super speciality branches, choosing any one branch of your liking for another two weeks. Four weeks in Ophthalmology, Otorhinolaryngology, Preventive and Social Medicine, Orthopaedics. And a week each in the labs. I have the schedule in my hand, which shall be forwarded to you by email by our department clerk by this evening. Any questions?”

When nobody replied after five seconds, Dr Grayson put on his glasses and carefully read through the list of students. Dan really hoped his first one would be something nice and exciting and not Preventive and Social Medicine or Obstetrics. But he was sure Grayson had already planned to make him repeat all of the rotations with the look he gave him.

“So up to roll number 8 go to General Surgery. Up to-” He paused and saw the kids still standing there. “What are you still doing here? Run to your departments.” And eight kids rushed out in a hurry.

“Roll numbers till 16, with me in Internal Medicine, welcome.” Dan swore it was a conspiracy that somehow the group was divided up to 8 and not 9, which happened to be his number, into surgery. It meant he’d have to do his surgery rotations last. He stood there feeling prejudiced and unhappy, as the other seven people also waited with Grayson, while the rest of the interns started disappearing slowly in groups. Surgery was one thing he was good at, owing to the years of training his parents had given him over the years. He could very well pick the right type and size of needle and suture material to suture different organs. His suturing was clean and neat, and his dressings were on the point. His hands rarely shook when he held the scalpel in his hands. He knew how to wash and scrub for operations and he knew how to follow the universal precautions.

Dan knew a lot of things about surgery. It was all Howells were known for. They even had a surgical incision named after them, the Howell’s incision, named after his great-great grandfather, for the procedure of removing the pancreas, which was now obsolete and not mentioned any longer in surgical textbooks. But he didn’t know much about other subjects. It wasn’t like he was bad at them, no, in fact Dan was one of the toppers of his class, but he just wasn’t as confident when it came to other subjects. Even if he knew the answer, Dan usually kept his hand down in all classes but surgery.

“Okay so-” Dr Grayson now addressed the remaining eight who were left under his care, “Howell why don’t we start you in Onco-Med for two week first? Since Ms Eileen has informed me she really wants to take Gastro-enterology, and those are the two options, unless of course you want to fight it out with her?” Dan knew he was being put into a spot, purposefully. He knew for a fact Eileen wouldn’t have cared about gastro that much. But he just shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t care particularly much for the medicine branches, he was fine with and and he didn’t want to create a scene here.

“Alright then. Congratulations Eileen for getting Gastro. Report to Dr Marsh and he’ll guide you. And as for you Howell, go meet Dr Kaur, she’ll tell you what to do,” Dr Grayson said, turning his head to place the other six students in their respective departments.

And Dan swore once again in his head at Dr Grayson, for conspiring against him. “Get over it you baboon,” he muttered under his breath.

“Did you say something Howell? Or do you have a psychiatric problem? Oh don’t worry Psych is next up for you after Onco-Med” Dr Grayson said with a laugh and looked around. Not having a choice, seven of his classmates also laughed at the not-joke-insult.

“Cool. I’ll go find Dr Kaur. Thank you,” Dan said with confidence. He wanted to prove Grayson he was on for any challenge he put his way. Because Howells don’t bow down to problems. And he was sure he’d do extremely well in Onco-Med as well.

Dan aimed to walk off with the same confidence that he had just spoken in, but his luck with the open shoelaces lasted only so long. He tripped on his way out, which made him run out of the staff room quickly with red cheeks as the laughter faded away in the background. He quickly tied his shoelaces after achieving sufficient distance from Grayson’s staffroom, before embarking on his journey to find Dr Kaur. He found her in the Onco-Med OPD (Out-Patient Department), just five minutes before the OPD officially started.

Dr Kalpana Kaur was a middle-aged woman with a kind face. He had seen her around the hospital a few times, but had never really interacted with her. He greeted her and introduced himself and she in return introduced him to her staff, which consisted of another professor junior to her, Dr Finchley and the Onco-Med resident. He knew he had to stay mostly in touch with the resident since he was the intern, so he introduced himself to the resident, Dr Rhiannon Bregley. And she looked exhausted.

“Oh thank god we have interns again. I was getting so overwhelmed with the work!” She said. “I’ll tell you your work once we go up to the wards, for now in the OPD, we just see patients, you should take their vitals, like blood pressure, temperature, pulse, respiratory rate and fill out the paperwork. You do know how to take vitals, right?” She asked.

“Of course. My parents are doctors as well, so I’ve known how to take blood pressure since I was ten,” Dan said.

“Oh that great! What do your parents do?” She asked.

“Dad’s a plastic surgeon and mum’s specializes in laparoscopic surgeries.”

“You’d probably want to become one too?” Dr Finchley asked.

“Yes. I mean that’s really what I’ve known all my life if I’m being honest.”

“Ahh what your parents names?” Dr Kaur asked.

“Jenna and Arthur Howell.”

“Oh I think your know your parents. I’ve seen them around in conferences. The Howell-Evans Hospital, isn’t it?” Dr Kaur asked.

And just like that Dan spoke to her for a few minutes, being used to the kind of attention he got from other doctors because of his parents and his heritage. He was somewhat of a celebrity’s child in the doctor community of England.

As the OPD started, Dan saw most patients were follow up cases, and he took their vitals and filled in the paperwork as instructed by his seniors. He even expressed his questions over why two patients having the same kind of cancer were being given different drugs. And he found out in Onco-Med things were a lot different that the textbooks. The textbooks left at mentioning the mechanism of action of a drug, it’s side effects and in which cancer it’d work best on. It never taught about what to do if drug A fails? And what to do when even drug B, C and D fail. Why sometimes you have to choose a less powerful drug because the most powerful one has side-effects that the patient cannot tolerate.

And the textbooks definitely didn’t teach about counselling cancer patients. He had rarely seen his parents talk to cancer patients, since they usually came to a plastic surgeon after the tumour was removed and the chemo sessions were over to fix whatever the cancer had destroyed. And they never went to Laparoscopic surgeons, since even to this date the choice of surgery for a cancer patient was the cut and open kind.

It was harrowing. Especially when he saw a fifteen year old sitting on the patient’s chair with his parents, as Dr Kaur explained to them that the current drug combination was not working as well as they’d have liked it to work, and they’ll try and switching things up a bit to shrink the mets that had spread to his liver. The young boy, understood even with the highest of hopeful voices that Dr Kaur could manage, that his cancer had spread and there wasn’t much that could be done. He watched as she went on to explain the parents, that the bald, pale, lanky boy sat back and stared at the ground. He observed how the young boy was trying to control himself from crying. The deep breaths, the occasional sighing, the pressing of lips and looking away from everybody else. Dan looked at him and realized he was just two years younger to his little brother. And for a second an image in his head popped up where his younger brother was the person sitting in front of Dr Kaur.

_ “No Dan. No! He’s your patient! Not someone who could be your brother! You know patients are to be treated like patients, not friends and family. Stop this now. Take his vitals and give him an assuring smile and that’s that!” _ Dan told himself. He gently patted the boy’s shoulder and indicated him to lie on the patient’s bed. He closed the curtain around them and took his vitals. Just as Dan was about to leave, the boy held his hand and asked in a whisper, “It’s not working is it?”

Dan didn’t have an answer. So he honestly told him back in a whisper, “I don’t know. I’m just the intern here. But if Dr Kaur says she’s going to try again, then you should have faith and try again too.” He was glad the boy hadn’t just up and asked if he was going to die. He thanked god for euphemism.

"I've been trying for some time now, you know?" 

"I know. Just hang in there. The people in this room aren't giving up on you. So neither should you." 

The boy nodded and got up. He wiped the tears that had run down his cheeks and Dan quickly offered him a tissue kept near the patient’s bed. “Thank you,” the boy said with a small smile.

And Dan knew what he said was just a bunch of crappy lies to soothe the dying patient, but in that moment it was the small smile, the nod and the little hand squeeze he gave the boy as he got up, that made the boy smile at his parents again. For that he was glad. The boy didn't go out of the room crying as he had expected and that was what Dan considered a little victory.

Maybe sometimes you can’t treat a patient. Maybe sometimes you can only soothe them for the inevitable, give them false hopes.

And as Dan learnt his first lesson as a proper doctor, he realized his internship was also a start of something new, not just a tunnel, a start to being not just a pair of skilled hands to treat a patient, but also a person that has to sometimes just give false hope because sometimes that's all you can do. And that it felt good to give a false hope because even if it's for a moment, the dying patient smiled. And sometimes that's all the reward you can get at the end of the day when you lose a patient.

He also realized he broke one of the Howell Surgeons rules for doctors. 


	2. I’m Not Passive But Agressive, Take Note It’s Not Impressive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look I told you guys I'm not reliable with updating schedule. I had this written a while ago, but I was just procrastinating, editing it. I'm literally the worst person. Anyhoo, hi if you're reading this. If there are any errors about the medical system in UK do correct me because i'm not from UK.

2

 

It took Dan only three days to realise that the way things worked in his parents’ private hospital and the other government hospitals were very different. For one- the government run ones are super crowded. Secondly- Everybody was overworked, right from the professor at the top of the department to the lowly intern that Dan was. The nurses and the supporting staff didn’t have it any easier. Thirdly- These patients were poor. Some of them very poor. And they had to wait forever to get an appointment. Dan thought maybe in Onco-Med, things would be better, quicker for the patients. But sometimes even cancer patients had to wait for a few weeks for a new drug that was developed in another part of the world, to get to Manchester. And these drugs were never cheap. To wait for cheaper drugs would mean to wait for months on end for funds to come through or pay up and get quick treatment.

Through his med school years Dan never thought, being a doctor would mean keeping your mouth shut a lot of time, against the injustice over the way poor patients were treated. His own hospital back in London was practically loyalty compared to this. The patients there would smile and pay up to get a little breast-lift or laparoscopically remove parts of their stomachs, because scars were ugly to them. But here patients would sometimes have to wait long hours for their insurance to go through, and in hospitals even mere seconds can make a difference to a patient’s life.

At the end of his shift, Dan went back to his dorm, to his books. But he couldn’t help but wonder if Mr Macmillan had received his Aprepitant for his nausea, and if that little kid Blake’s brother fitted into perfect bone marrow donor criteria for him. Or if Rhiannon, his resident had gotten some rest in the evening.

And he realised that this was more than just sympathy. This was empathy. A quality his parents and their parents had told him, he shouldn’t have to succeed as a doctor.

He shut his books. He couldn’t concentrate.

He grabbed his coat and put two protein bars in his pocket, in case he met a certain hungry and tired resident. He put on his shoes and walked to the hospital. He greeted the evening shift nurse who was there when he had left from his duty earlier in the evening. He also waved at Blake who ignored him to continue watching Peppa Pig on the TV. Dan quickly found Rhiannon, standing in the last bed in first cubicle. He was about to approach her, when he saw her deep in conversation. Not wanting to seem rude, especially without his lab coat on, he waited near the cubicle, where he could still hear from.

“We’re really sorry to keep you at this hour. We actually called Dr Jacob, but he said he was on a leave for his exams and that you were there at this time. We just didn’t want to take any chances you know? He says he’s fine now, but if you could just check him once?” The short woman with brown hair, spoke worriedly to Rhiannon. The man with her, who Dan assumed was her husband was sat on the bed, holding a pale hand. Dan couldn’t see the patient’s head as the man was covering his view, but the patient looked pretty tall.

“It’s no problem Mrs Lester. Yes Dr Jacob has his second year residency exams. And no, it’s a good thing you’ve got him here. We’ll quickly take a little history and go through his previous papers and check his vitals. If something seems wrong, we’ll run a few blood tests. Till then I’ll advise you to wait outside, so that I can get a history from Philip. If that’s okay with you?” Rhiannon asked the parents calmly, who nodded at once and shuffled out.

As Rhiannon saw them shuffling out, she found Dan standing outside the cubicle. She indicated him to come in.

“Hello Philip. Can’t say I’m happy to see you here back again. Oh and this is my intern Dr Daniel Howell. If you’re feeling up to it, can I ask you a few questions, while he takes your vitals?” She asked Philip.

Dan could now finally see the patient clearly. He was an adult male, around his age, tall and pale and really thin. Dan could see he was wearing a wig of jet-black hair, because the wig had gone out of place, exposing the cloth beneath it. And he looked really angry. Dan thought he too would be if he was in his position.

“Fine,” Philip mumbled in reply and Dan power-walked to the nurse’s station to get a stethoscope.

He attached the monitor leads to Philip’s chest, the BP cuff to his hand and the pulse oximeter to his finger, whilst Rhiannon questioned him.

“So your last chemo was eight days ago? And you were feeling fine when you were discharged the next day?” She asked.

“Yeah. I mean I was feeling a bit weak. But when do I not feel it, really?” Philip answered.

“Was it more than usual though Philip?”

“Why do you always call me Philip? I’ve told you it’s Phil so many times! Philip is only if you’re my mum and you’re angry. Which she was by the way, for not calling her to my room when i fainted. Because yes apparently according to her people who’ve fainted can call for help. Can we have counselling sessions for her and dad as well? They need it more than me.”

Rhiannon sighed and continued. She had known Phil for a while now. “Was the weakness more than usual, more than what you had experienced after your previous chemo cycles?”

Phil nodded.

Rhiannon glanced at the monitor that Dan had attached, and it seemed Phil’s blood pressure was a bit on the lower side and his heart rate on a bit higher side.

“Dan, tell me if the chest is clear. Phil, have you been taking your other supplements and medicines, properly?” Rhiannon continued in one breath, as scribbled on her patient’s notes.

“I may have forgotten,” Phil said, and to Dan it seemed he didn’t even sound sorry.

“Chest clear!” Dan declared after carefully listening to Phil’s breathing. “It’s 26 cycles per minute, on the higher side, but his saturation is normal,” Dan said, looking between the monitor and the patient.

Rhiannon nodded at him and continued asking Phil questions. If he’d had any fever recently, headaches, body pain, any swelling over his body, any breathlessness, episodes of dizziness, palpitations, feeling colder than usual, any symptoms of a cold or sore throat, urinary tract infection.

To Dan, it seemed like Phil was answering the questions uncaringly, like it wasn’t about him he was answering, but rather some person he hated. Phil avoided looking him and Rhiannon in the eye and gave one worded answers.

“Okay Phil, your symptoms point to worsening of your anemia after the recent chemo session. I’ll get Dr Howell here to put an IV line on you and draw your blood for a simple CBC and a few other tests. I’ll go talk to your parents. There’s nothing to worry. Even if your hemoglobin is really low, we can transfuse you with some blood and keep you under observation for 24 hours and it’ll be fine. Do you have any more questions for me?” Rhiannon asked, gathering Phil’s old file and her current notes.

Phil shook his head.

“Yeah everything is fine, except the fact that I’m dying, isn’t it?” Phil mumbled, looking at Dan as Rhiannon walked away.

Dan chose not to respond to that. He didn’t know Phil’s state well enough to make a comment. Instead he walked over to the supplies trolley and dragged it to Phil’s bed. He wore his gloves and tied a tourniquet over over Phil’s right wrist.

“Careful, they pierced that one only five days ago. Why don’t you try the other hand?” Phil said after the tourniquet was already tied. But Dan nodded and tied the tourniquet on his left wrist, asking Phil to make a fist.

“You do know what you’re doing right? Interns are not the most reliable people around here. And I would know that. I’ve been to the hospital a lot,” Phil said.

“I know what I am doing. Though sometimes it just can’t be helped if the vein collapses. It happens even with the best of best people. If you want I can call in the nurse to do it?” Dan knew patients and their concerns came first over his experience and judgement.

“Nah it’s fine. I’m actually avoiding Mc Mother nurse over there. She knows me well. And scolds me like my mum. But like obviously don’t experiment on me if you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Dan rubbed some spirit soaked cotton over Phil’s hand and took the IV cannula with the needle in his hand.

“Mr Lester, I’ve been practicing this since I was eight. I was gifted an actual doctor’s set at eight rather than the fake one other kids got. I definitely know what I’m doing,” And as he said that, he successfully got the cannula into the vein, seeing the blood rush into the back chamber of the cannula. He carefully removed the needle from the cannula and the tourniquet with one hand and then collected his blood into two vials. He stuck the transparent tape over the secured IV line and closed the ports to avoid infections.

“So a prodigal doctor, huh Mr Howell? Meet Phil, twenty-six and still living with his parents, because cancer is now my entire existence,” Phil said, offering Dan his right hand to shake.

Dan shook his head, showing Phil the bit of blood on his gloves and the two blood filled vials.

“You know, pre-cancer Phil would’ve fainted at the sight of blood. Post-cancer phil cannot bring himself to be bothered enough. Well actually I did faint once when I was getting job experience at a vet clinic and I had to see a dog’s jaw being cut open, but ehh look at life playing it’s little games at me.”

Dan didn’t really what to say. Being a doctor like this was so new to Dan. Yes he had practiced his suturing and securing IV lines before. He knew a number of in-patient and out-patient and emergency procedures. But this, counselling, just talking to the patients was not something his doctor family had prepared him for.

“I don’t know Mr Lester, how bad it is for you. I can’t say much, because it’s really not my place. But all I can say is cancer maybe your entire existence now, but the whole reason you’re here, your parents are here and we’re here, because all of us are working to get you back to your cancerless existence. Maybe someday you can go back to being scared of blood,” Dan said, offering a small smile.

Phil snorted and shook his head. “Therapist much? Wow my actual therapist is not as convincing as you are. You should consider psychiatry after this.”

Dan wasn’t sure if he was being mocked or praised. “I would, If I didn’t have a surgical hospital to run after this.”

“So you really are a doctor prodigy. Nice to know I’m in good hands,” Phil said.

“Not really mine. There’s Dr Kau-”

“I know, I know. I’ve been in this ward more than you Dr Howell,” Phil reminded him.

“Yeah of course you know. Umm sorry. I’ll just go and umm get these run,” Dan said feeling sorry and embarrassed.

“I hope to see you again Dr Howell. Unless of course you also start calling me Philip and lecturing me over how to live my life?”

“I technically can’t do that. Being the intern and all,” Dan said.

“Well then even better. The previous interns would think they’re some bigshot doctors already and try to school me.”

“I’m sure they had best intentions concerning you Mr Lester. As do I and everybody here,” Dan reminded him. They wouldn’t be studying medicine if they didn’t have the best intentions for the patients.

“You’re something Dr Howell. Anyways I look forward to seeing another face. Another who’s not a patient I’ve previously known over my stays or tried to school me. And call me Phil, Dr Howell,” Phil said, winking at Dan.

Dan felt his cheeks warming up at Phil’s gesture. He quickly threw his gloves into the bin attached to the trolley and dragged the trolley back to its place, taking the collected blood samples with him. He went outside the ward to find Rhiannon, who was still talking to Phil’s parents, assuring them. Once they went back in to Phil, Rhiannon sat down on the chair outside the ward meant for relatives. She looked very tired.

Dan sat down quietly beside her and offered her the two protein bars he had kept in his pocket. She looked at Dan like she was suddenly seeing an evangelical being.

“Oh my god! Thank you Dan! I didn’t even get the time to have lunch. You’re a lifesaver. By the way why are you here, at off duty hours?” She asked, munching down the bars in a hurry.

“I couldn’t study. Thought I’d drop by and see if you needed help. Want me to run these for anemia profile?” Dan asked showing her the vials.

Rhiannon nodded. “Don’t run everything though. His iron studies were done barely a month ago. Send for B12, Folate, Retic Count and of course CBC with Peripheral smear. I’ll go inform Finchley and Kaur about him. And get one pint reserved. Also you can leave anytime. You don’t have to do all of it if you don’t want to.” But please do it anyways, was what Dan understood by her tone.

“It’s no problem. I’ll run these and get them as soon as possible. Why don’t you inform them and take some time off?”

“Thank you Dan!” She said hugging Dan suddenly. And Dan wondered if this would be him in the next year or so,a tired and overworked resident, thankful for the medical system creating interns.

“I hate that Phil is back. He’s such a nice guy,” Rhiannon whispered as they broke apart.

“Is he? Sounded a bit rude to me.” But then again Dan couldn’t blame him for his rudeness. When did anyone suffering and dying, owe to be nice to other people?

“He wasn’t always like this. When he first came in, he was so scared, but also trying hard to be brave for his family. And now after so many chemo and radio sessions, and going from a carefree life, having a job and living with friends, he’s gone to having cancer and living with his parents, just pulling through. His whole family is actually really nice. Well honestly I hate seeing any of them back. In this stream of medicine, you know patients for a long time. And you stop knowing them, less because they’re healthy now and more because they die.”

“Then why did you choose this stream?”

“Because… someone has to, right? Not everyone can pull be babies out all day or repair hernias. Some of us have to talk to the ones who’ve given up on their lives, some of us have to make all efforts to save a life when even if it’s all really futile.”

“It sounds depressing.”

“It is. But also worth it for that one out of hundred person, who goes back completely cured. Don’t worry yourself though. You’re here for just over a week more. Learn and have fun,” Rhiannon said with a smile, messing up Dan’s hair a little.

Dan smiled back at her and nodded. He took the vials and ran to the lab to get them tested. He sat with the lab residents as they showed him how to operate the machines that ran the specific tests. An hour later Dan had the CBC with Peripheral smear report and the retic count. They told him they’d send the other two reports in another hour and then send the remaining sample to the Blood Bank for cross-matching Phil’s blood and issuing him a pint. Dan thanked them and jogged back to the Onco-Med ward, seeing Rhiannon catching a quick nap on the doctor’s desk. He patted her shoulder twice gently to wake her up. She woke up startled and with a “What’s wrong?”, in a worried voice.

“Nothing. Phil’s report is here. As suspected. His hemoglobin is low. It’s 6.4. And his retic is low as well, 0.2. Want to give two pints instead of one?”

“Yeah. Just call the Blood Bank and reserve two. I’ll get them, when they’re cross-matched. And we might have to call him on a later date and check his CBC again. He might require erythropoietin injections? Do you know why they’re given Dan?” She asked.

Dan nodded. “They’re given in patients with moderate to severe anemia, especially those suffering from cancer of the marrow or side effects of chemo. It’s an alternative to blood transfusion. But since Phil has fainted already and is weak, we’re giving him a blood transfusion, because it’s quicker in terms of correction and calling him later because erythropoietin is longer lasting treatment wise.”

“Yes. That’s really good Dan! Learn as much as you can here, because Dr Kaur asks questions on the last day before leaving a remark on your interns book.”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

“Thank you actually for coming around and helping. It’s eleven now. You should go catch sleep or the seniors are going to have me as their meal for making you wait this late.”

“I came back on my own. It’s fine. I do actually like this department. Never thought I’d like anything other than surgery. Anyways, see you tomorrow?”

Rhiannon nodded and he waved her goodbye. He waved the nurse a goodbye as well on his way out. As he passed the first cubicle, his eyes landed on Phil, who was now sleeping, without his jet black wig, his mum stroking his head and his dad sat by on the chair, his head resting on the back, eye wide open and staring at the ceiling. Phil looked so much different to him now, in his slumber. And it wasn’t the hair. But the absence of anger on his face that made him suddenly look younger and carefree to Dan.

He hoped someday Phil would get to be that carefree again. And so would little Blake and Mr Macmillan and that old sweet grandma Rosa and all the other patients of the ward he had yet to familiarise himself with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Come say hi on my tumblr- tiniestbauble.tumblr.com .I finally have started using it instead of just silently looking at beautiful edits and art people make of D&P.


	3. How To Make Boys Next Door out of Assholes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking a month to write the second chapter and then taking barely a week to write the third one. That's my updating schedule you guys! (i'm sorry I suck at this updating thing. And I'm also sorry the story currently feel very ooc but it will get more in character, at least as much as it can get in an AU, once Dan and Phil get closer which is happening you guys from this chapter! Wohoo!) (Please tell me you guys are proud of me. I need something to make up for my crippling confidence and other issues)

3

 

Dan braced himself to keep his lips pursed and smile, like everything was sunny and normal in the cancer ward. He told himself he wouldn’t talk to much to the patients as he took their vitals and checked in on them. _Just say the needed amount of words, smile the needed amount of understanding smiles and walk away._

He started at the first cubicle and glanced at Phil, who was slurping on his cereal, watching something intently on his laptop with headphones on. He finished taking the first three beds vitals, inquiring if they were doing fine after their recent chemo or radio session. One of the patients told him about having really bad acid reflux and Dan promised him, he’d talk to his seniors about it and get him the medicine for it. The patient smiled at Dan and thanked him.

When he reached Phil’s bed, Phil paused whatever he was watching so intently and removed his headphones. He kept his bowl on the little tray and offered Dan his arm to take his blood pressure and pulse.

“Hello Phil, how are you doing today?” Dan asked his usual question, as he tied the cuff around Phil’s arm.

“You’re talking to me like you didn’t see me yesterday. Or did the bald head not give it away?” Phil said in dry tone.

Dan sighed. “I know you’re not doing like you’re Superman today. But on a scale from yesterday’s Phil to being slightly better than yesterday’s Phil, how are you doing today? Any more fainting or something else wrong?”

“I’m feeling slightly better than yesterday’s Phil. There, did you like my answer?”

“I don’t want to like your answer Phil, I just need to know if you’re getting better or not.” Dan hoped and prayed the remaining of his patients wouldn’t be as hard as Phil.

And Dan tried to understand. He really did. Cancer sucks. Period.

But here they all were trying to improve his life, save him. And he was being a bit obnoxious. He would expect such behaviour from teens, but not from a twenty six year old man!

“You tell me Dr Howell if I’m getting better or not. I thought all this chemo and radio was supposed to improve me. But instead I keep getting sicker and sicker after each session.” And just for that moment there, Dan thought he’d heard Phil the most sincere thing since he’d arrived yesterday. He didn’t sound angry or rude, just someone really trying to deal with a lot of shit thrown by life his way.

“You are. And you need to believe that too. I saw your file today morning. Your prognosis isn’t that bad. Obviously prognosis isn’t something in cancer we can guarantee a hundred percent. But it doesn’t look that bad, even if it does feel so. Look-” Dan just felt like it was lecture time, to make Phil understand what was really happening and why it was happening. He removed one of the empty patient’s papers he carried in his pocket and sat down on the chair beside Phil’s bed. He drew multiple small squiggly circles, surrounding which he drew some normal small circles.

“These squiggly cells are your cancer cells. And these normal circles are your normal cells, okay? So what these cancer cells are basically your own cells, but these have forgotten how to function. So they are rapidly growing and dividing, without stopping or dying, unlike your normal cells which grow slow, know when to stop and know when to die. The chemo is essentially targeting these fast growing cells. But in our bodies, there’s the bone marrow, which makes all the blood and its constituents which are normal but they also grow pretty quickly, so does your skin cells and your hair. And so sometimes these drugs are unable to just particularly target the cancer and target other rapidly growing cells too. That’s why we give you those other supplements, to make sure your skin doesn’t dry out to bad, or you get a reaction from sunlight. And your bone marrow continues making cells normally. That’s why it’s important for you Phil to take your supplements properly and stay hydrated. And that’s why you’re here, so that we kill your cancer cells and make sure we treat the other things that are affected by these drugs. So it may get bad, but it’s getting bad, just so it can get better, okay?”

Phil just stared at the drawing and then at Dan.

“You really stand up to your nerdy prodigal doctor thing, don’t you?” Phil said with a small smile.

“I was only-”

“It’s fine Dr Howell. I appreciate it. You do really sound much better than the therapist I go to.” This Phil sounded normal to Dan. And Dan didn’t even understand why he felt like that, because he had never even heard or met normal Phil before, but just something in the way he just spoke, it sounded genuine to Dan.

“Well you need to change your therapist if they suck that much,” Dan suggested, offering a smile in return.

“I should… Do you have a private practice I can come to then?” With that Phil winked at him.

Dan found himself at loss for words and reaction for a few seconds.

“Kidding. I’m pretty bored though. They’re going to keep me another day here. You should come if you’re free. I can show you my favourite show ever!” Phil said, pointing to his laptop screen.

“What Buffy the Vampire Slayer? God jeez! I thought you were 26 not 56! I guess you are ancient Phil,” Dan teased, trying to find a safe ground between accepting and refusing, and not answering to what he thought was a flirtatious invitation.

“Hey don’t make fun of the best show ever! Harry Potter doesn’t even compare to this.”

“Have you even read Harry Potter?”

Phil grabbed Dan’s shoulder and pulled him close, and Dan’s instant reaction was to jerk back, but Phil had a firm control over his shoulder. He came close to Dan’s face and whispered, “Not all. But shh! Don’t tell that to anyone.” And with that he let go of Dan.

Feeling just slightly shaken, at a patient pulling him so close, Dan gulped and cleared his throat. He smiled at Phil again and got up from the chair.

“Your secret is safe with me Mr Lester,” He said, to remind Phil that a line existed between them, even though it was invisible.

“I hope it is. The offer still stands though, if you’re free. If not Buffy, we can watch something else or play a game on my laptop. All my friends and my brother are working. And I don’t like Mum and Dan spending all of their time, holed up in this depressing ward with me. So yeah, just saying.” He added the last part softly, looking away from Dan.

“I’ll keep it in mind Mr Lester,” Dan said and quickly noted down Phil’s vitals in his file before moving to the next bed.

He went around the whole ward, asking patients or their guardians, how they were doing, and most replied the same way. That they were fine, or experiencing bad nausea and vomiting after their session, or feeling really itchy at the site of radiotherapy. Dan promised them all, he’d discuss with his seniors and make sure they get the appropriate medicines for their problems. Even little Blake gave him a smile and a high-five today.

His only odd patient out was Phil. He never answered the questions, the way they were supposed to be answered.

He went out and saw Phil’s Mum sitting outside alone. He wanted to pass to the OPD, without her noticing, but she noticed him and also stopped him with a “Doctor! Doctor!”

“Umm hello Mrs Lester,” Dan greeted her politely.

“Hello. You’re one of his doctors as well, aren’t you?” She asked.

Dan nodded.

“Oh good! How is he doing? He kicked me out. Practically threatened to leave the house if we didn’t go home! I sent my husband home, but I just couldn’t leave. Is he alright? He received two pints of blood last night.” Mrs Lester looked and sounded worried and tired. The dark circles under her eyes, were hollowed out and her hair was all over the place and so were her clothes. She looked like she hadn’t slept properly in months.

“I’m not his primary treating physician Mrs Lester. So I can’t really answer your questions. But he said he was feeling better than yesterday. Dr Bregley or Dr Finchley or Dr Kaur will be back in a few hours after the OPD ends. I’ll remind one of them to come talk to you,” Dan said, feeling sympathetic to Mrs Lester. She didn’t deserve to sit out here in worry.

“Yes okay okay. Sure. The nurses will look after him, right? I don’t like leaving him alone in there.” She looked like she was close to breaking down.

Dan gently held her hand and sat her down. “They will. Our staff is well experienced and besides, we’re only a page away, downstairs in the OPD. If you have any worries, you can come down and talk to Dr Kaur right away. She wouldn’t mind.” Dan wasn’t too sure if Dr Kaur would mind or wouldn’t, but this was a patient’s mother being anxious, and she deserved her questions to be answered by the right person to allay her worries.

“She wouldn’t?”

“No. Why don’t you come down with me?” Dan asked her politely.

She nodded and followed him. Dan managed to get her into the OPD, between all the patients still waiting outside. It was wrong on his part, because those people were waiting for a long time, but he knew this wouldn’t take more than five minutes. He quickly told Dr Kaur, that Mrs Lester was worried about Phil’s condition. Dr Kaur raised his eyebrows at Dan, but nevertheless allayed Mrs Lester’s worries quickly. She assured her that the side effects were to be expected and can be kept at the minimum if Phil took his supplements properly and followed up regularly for check-up. She also advised to make Phil drop out of therapy, since it only angered him more. She told her to let him maybe go out and try a new hobby or a new job that isn’t too harsh on his body. Maybe something normal was what he needed.

And at that Dan felt slightly bad for the way he reacted to Phil. Phil only wanted something a bit normal. _Surely watching a show with someone is considered normal? Isn’t it?_

Dan wondered if it was the appropriate thing to do. And realized maybe not. At least not in the wards. Maybe he could sneak Phil into one of the doctor’s room and they could watch a show there. Nothing wrong with that, right?

He told Rhiannon about the other patients complains and she wrote him down a list of the medicines that were to be given to the other patients. He handed over the list to the ward nurse who started preparing the drugs and taking her rounds around the ward, giving all of them their medicines and checking up on them. Dan came down after that and spent the rest of the time in OPD, learning how biopsies were always better than aspirations for diagnosis and what combinations of drugs are most commonly used for a particular type of cancer.

And again he found himself consoling an old man in his eighties and then a young mother in her thirties who was more worried about her kids than herself. And with every word they spoke, he would feel like, he was suddenly in their shoes and worrying about his own little children. It wasn’t fair. But life’s never fair, he reminded himself as he tried to assure the patients and himself.

As the OPD ended, Dr Kaur reminded Dan, that yes all in-patients are always worried, and their relatives even more. That did not mean they could come during OPD hours, where other patients have been waiting for days for just an appointment, unless of course it was an emergency. Dan apologised but told her he didn’t think he should be the one to answer her questions, so he got her down.

“That’s smart of you Dan. But just remember that these patients have waited days for their appointment. I wouldn’t like them to wait any more than they have to. And besides Rhiannon takes early morning rounds. I’m not angry on you. Quite proud in fact that you have patients best intentions in mind. Just think about the bigger picture always, okay?” She asked.

Dan nodded and apologised once again. Dr Kaur just smiled and ruffled his hair.

He went with them for rounds again to the ward. To check out the new admissions from the OPD. He and Rhiannon, recited the patient’s history in short and their current status and answered the questions Dr Finchley and Dr Kaur asked them. In the end, they advised certain changes in some of the patients drug regimen and asked them to send certain tests for some patients.

Dan and Rhiannon nodded and got about their work, along with the nurse, collecting blood samples and asking some patients to give a urine sample. The nurse made new medication charts and adjusted the patients new drugs and doses.

Rhiannon and Dan went to lunch after sending the samples off to the lab. For some reason he felt like telling Rhiannon about Phil’s offer and hearing her opinion on it.

“So that patient Phil, does he usually invite people to watch a show with him or play video games because he’s bored in this ward?” Dan asked casually, looking at his rather really dry chicken salad.

“Hmm, did he really? He may have offered once to the two little kids beside his bed, who were already peeping into his laptop. He does tend to flirt though. I was just once saying, I really need some strong coffee and he said- I’m always ready to grab one with you,” she said snorting, “And I told him, well only on the condition you buy all of my staff one, since we’re all overworked. He just smiled and said- Don’t make a poor man, poorer. Already lost my job here mate.”

Dan smiled at that. So Phil did that with everybody. It didn’t really mean anything.

“I think he’s harmless. And cute too. He was an absolute sweetheart the first couple of times I met him. Now he just behaves like an angry teenager. Too immature for my taste,” Rhiannon said, chomping down on her food, like she’d been eating something after days instead of just hours.

“Really finding it hard to think of him as a sweetheart,” Dan remarked again.

“He was. You should’ve seen him the first time he came here after the diagnosis. He kept asking me if the drugs would hurt. If they’d make him go bald. And he was so scared. He held Jacob’s hand as we pushed the drugs into his body. And you know those drugs are painful. He screamed at his parents to leave the room so that they didn’t have to see him in pain like that. And he just screamed into the pillow as, holding Jacob’s hand as the pain started reaching the point where it stopped making a difference. We left him as the drugs ran their course. And when we came back, we saw him crying, as his brother held him and stroked his hair. He usually only allows his brother to see him after his chemo sessions. And I kind of understand him. As a working adult, it is tough to see your whole world flip upside down and find yourself back at your parents house so that you have somebody to look after you 24x7, because you can’t look after yourself anymore. So you see where he’s coming from?” She said with a pout.

Dan nodded. And felt bad all over again, for thinking Phil was purposely being rude and obnoxious and crossing a line. He was just trying to divert his attention and pretend everything was normal.

“Did you say no?” Rhiannon asked, interrupting his train of thought.

“What?”

“Yes to Phil? Watching a movie?”

“Oh umm I didn’t say anything. I chickened out. Now I feel bad. Maybe he just needs a friend,” Dan said, putting his salad bowl down, not being able to chew on the dry chicken anymore.

“Maybe. We shouldn’t befriend patients. But then again you’re here only for a few days. What’s the harm in hanging out with him for a few? Maybe just not in the wards…”

“Hmm maybe.” And he left it at that. 

When Dan went home after getting everybody’s reports from the lab and attaching them in their files, he found himself unable to concentrate on his studies again. His mind kept slipping back to Phil. Phil who was probably bored out of his mind in that ward without friends and family.

_ It’s his fault really. He kicked his parents out. _

Still he felt bad for avoiding Phil like that.

He had an idea. He didn’t think it was a good idea. But it was harmless and less controversial than befriending him in the wards. I could invite him to my room for a few games or a movie and it’d be harmless, right?

He wasn’t too sure. And his parents words kept echoing in his head- 'Don’t befriend patients.'

So he didn’t end up going back in the evening. He ended up studying half-heartedly the topic of Lymphomas. But the next morning he found himself walking over to Phil’s bed first, as Phil was packing to leave. His parents were talking to the nurse.

“Hey. How are you today?” Dan asked, after clearing his throat and getting Phil’s attention.

“Oh it’s you. Hmm I could do better. But I’m fine. Being discharged finally,” Phil said wrapping up the cord of his phone charger around the adapter.

“Must be happy to go back home? Getting rid of this place?” Dan knew he sucked at small talk. He usually relied on other people to maintain a conversation.

“I have to be back here in another two weeks. I don’t think I’m going to get rid of this place any time soon,” Phil said with a smile on his face and a slight shake of his head.

“I’m sorry. You will get better. I hope you believe in that. And do take your supplements properly this time, okay?”

Phil nodded and grabbed his bag, stuffing his phone charger in.

“I’ll see you next time Dr Howell?” Phil said, putting the bag on his shoulders and extending his right hand to Dan.

Dan took his hand but shook his head. “I’ll be another department by then. Umm nice to meet you?”

“I wouldn’t say that. It’s never a nice thing if you’ve to meet doctors,” Phil said raising his eyebrows. He let go of Dan’s hand and Dan of his. He started walking away, towards his parents when something in his brain told him, he had to befriend this patient, just this one patient. He had to break that rule for Phil.

“Hey Phil?” He called out.

“Hmm?” Phil turned around.

“If the offer still stands, I’ve got a Playstation and a Wii at my dorm room. That is if you want to come some time?” Dan asked looking down at the ground.

He was somehow reminded of his pre-school and how the first friend he made was in a similar fashion. His bench partner complained he didn’t have the colours that Dan had and just like that Dan told him to come over to his house so they could both use his fancy colours.

And when Phil complained, in his indirect way, he was lonely, Dan offered some of his time.

When he looked up at Phil, he saw a smile curling up his lips.

“Sure. When?” He said, with a shrug, trying to appear nonchalant, but feeling really happy on the inside.

“Err give me your phone. I’ll store my number and you can text me in the evening if you’re free? I get off-duty at 5,” Dan said, fiddling with a button on his lab coat.

Every siren in Dan’s brain was screaming ‘This is wrong’ as Phil removed his phone from his pocket and gave it to Dan and as Dan types his number in with Dr Dan Howell. This was wrong on so many levels and medico legal grounds. But he reasoned with himself that he’s just an intern and not anymore going to be a part of Phil’s treating physicians and staff. So it was fine.

Phil smiled as he took his phone back. An actual genuine smile that Dan had never seen before and just for that smile, Dan felt a little less guilty about what he had just done.


	4. You Don't Know About Me, But I Bet You Want To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! The title is from 22 by Taylor Swift, which you will see being used at some point in this chapter as well (just don't come for me if you're a die hard t-swift fan) And not bad, right update wise? Within 2 weeks of last chapter. I think I'm improving (but oh well I go on a holiday so there probably won't be an update for 2 weeks but who knows if the holiday suck, i'll find a way to sneak away from my friends and write this! (also fun fact this is my first holiday in three and a half years! That's how bad my life sucks. But I''ll be going to disneyland all is well in the world)

Dan received a text later that day from Phil, saying he was too tired to make the journey back and asked him if tomorrow would be convenient.

Dan replied in affirmative because he didn’t really have much to do after hospital hours except study. He didn’t have much of a social life outside of his work and studying. Maybe an occasional bar night with his classmates, when they invited him, because they were inviting pretty much everyone, or a group studying session. But mostly he spent his time alone. He blamed his parents for it. His parents and the extended Howell doctor family had instilled in his brain so thoroughly that all med school peers are more competition than friends that he never gave a chance to people to come too close to him. Now that he went ahead and broke their rule of empathising too much with the patients and actually making an attempt to befriend one, he thought about how he should’ve broken the friend rule a long time ago. It would’ve been nice to come to his dorm room with a friend or two and lazily relax and eat pizza and watch a movie or play video games and discuss their study material and research projects. The thought pulled a string in Dan’s stomach, something he suddenly felt bad for having ignored so many of his classmates who had attempted to get closer to him and befriend him.

He swore today in the hospital, before leaving, he’d make one conversation with one of his classmates. Something just casual.

And luckily for him, as he was about to leave the hospital after dropping off some X-rays of the two new patients, he bumped into Eileen on the stairs.

“Oh hi. How’s it going?” It was Eileen who initiated the conversation.

“It’s good actually. Been learning a lot about cancers. Though it really hits you sometimes because not all patients do good.”

“I know. My grandma actually died of cancer,” Eileen said, looking a bit uncomfortable, “That’s kinda why I told Grayson I wanted Gastro. Not that I have any love for gastro either, paeds all the way, but it’s any day better than constant reminder of what my gran went through. I’m sorry Grayson forced it on you though.”

“It’s fine. Really. I wouldn’t want to go through something like that either. Besides people in onco are really nice so I’m enjoying my time there, learning new things. How’s gastro in that matter?” Dan shrugged her worries off.

“So many scopies! We easily do 10-15 in a day? And always at least one emergency scoot comes through. Then Dr Marsh sits us back with the pictures and videos taken and explains us the different lesions. And also so much constipation. He actually diagnosed a man yesterday who came with complains of constipation since three months, wherein no treatments seemed to have worked with hypothyroidism! A single blood test and no need for unnecessary colonoscopy. Even though his problem couldn’t be immediately solved, he went home happy with a diagnosis, knowing that it’d get better soon.”

“That’s great. It feels strange, doesn’t it? After sitting for four and a half year in the classroom, and only learning in hospital what the teachers taught, to be on this side of the fence and doing things, feels nice, doesn’t it?” Dan felt that barely a week as an intern had changed his life so much.

“What are you saying Dr Howell of Howell Hospital? You’ve done this before!” Eileen said, with a smile, and punching his shoulder good naturedly, meaning no harm in her words.

“I’ve seen a lot, yes. Practiced a lot on dummies and a few patients who’d let me after knowing I was a medical student, but not in this way, you know? Running all day with blood samples and reports and getting patients from one scan room to another, and then talking to them. It feels more real than ever before.” Dan didn’t know where his words were coming from, maybe from the fact that he’d finally let himself feel what he wanted about patients and hospitals and befriend people he wanted after years of not doing it. He was just let himself feel and saying like it felt.

“It does. And even stranger is the fact that a year later, we’d be on our own. We’d be graduates and then we’d be residents. It felt like time never passed when we were studying in med school and now I look back and wonder where did it pass and how am I already so near to being an actual doctor?”

Dan chuckled at that. Even though he always knew he was going to be a doctor, listening to Eileen and thinking about how far he’d come, it put a smile on his face.

“Anyways. I gotta go. Send some biopsy samples to the lab and then I’m off duty. Gonna go teach some juniors,” She said, moving one step ahead.

“You teach juniors? That’s great!” Dan had never even interacted with a junior in his med school life, though he did feel like banging his head sometimes when he heard them ask each other stupid questions in the exam hall or passing by in the library.

“Yeah. It’s a great way to keep myself revising. You should do it too Mr Class Topper. The juniors would totally worship you!”

“Haha maybe. Umm actually you know what? Call me if like anybody needs my help. I’d like to help if I can.”

Eileen was surprised, but she changed her expression quickly and said, “Will do Howell. See you around.” And she walked away after giving him a smile.

Dan stood there for a moment feeling accomplished. He had made a start at befriending a classmate, who his whole family had taught was supposed to be his competition. And he’d befriended a patient, the worst thing in his parents dictionary. And yet it felt nice.

_ Maybe it’s good to be rebellious sometimes _ , he thought.

The next day hen Dan got off work, he decided to stop by at the grocery store and get some popcorn and crisps and soda for Phil. But he thought about Phil again and decided to keep the chemical filled soda back and for him some orange juice and Ribena instead. And exchanged the crisps for their slightly healthier quinoa based counterparts. He felt a bit nervous, because after school this was the first time he was inviting someone over just for the purpose of fun, one on one. Not a group, not for studying, just a singular person for gaming and movies.

He tried to clean up his room the best he could, but he had too many books that just couldn’t be contained in their tiny cupboards. And dorm rooms aren’t exactly the most luxurious, well furnished dwellings. So he consoled himself and instead made place on his couch and placed his laptop on the table beside it, his console on the floor near the small TV attached to the wall.

He decided to wear a comfortable black jumper and black jeans even though he was going in his own room for the evening.

When Dan opened the door to Phil, he saw a much better looking man in front of him that day that the one he had seen in his hospital. He had a minimal hint of colour in his cheeks, but I was something. And his jet black hair wig was attached so on point, that Dan wouldn’t have been able to tell it was a wig if he hadn’t already known about it.

“Hi?” Somehow Dan made his greeting sound like a question.

“Hey, looks like a much better dorm than mine was,” Phil said, peeping into Dan’s room over his shoulder.

“Oh sorry, come in. And umm yeah, these rooms cost extra, but my parents were willing, so yeah…” Dan moved aside to let Phil in, closing the door behind him.

Phil looked around the room, observing the posters and paintings on the walls. He walked over to the couch and sat down, getting quite comfortable without Dan’s invitation.

“Being anemic sucks. Especially if you were someone who did minimal exercise before cancer. Now even climbing one flight of staircase has me tired,” Phil said with a sigh, resting his head back on the couch.

“I’m sorry. Would you like some water? Or orange juice or Ribena?” Dan offered, still standing by the door.

“Got something stronger? Some nice wine?”

“Phil you-”

“Oh please don’t mum me. I have my actual mum for that.”

“Well I don’t. And even if I did, I wouldn’t give you. So Ribena or orange juice?”

“Fine Dr Howell, some Ribena please.” Phil did not sound pleased. He mumbled something under his breath that Dan chose to ignore.

“Just Dan is fine,” Dan said, as he excused himself to the tiny kitchen he had made for himself in his room. It wasn’t much kitchen as much as a microwave-oven and a small fridge and a portable kitchen closet in one corner, cordoned off from the bed and the couch by a curtain. He poured Ribena for both of them and got the packets of crisps and popcorn as well. He saw Phil looking through his game collection as he set the food and drinks on the floor.

“Hmm you’ve got quite a good selection. Some old ones, some new ones,” Phil said.

“Yeah, I’m a bit of nerd when it comes to video games.”

“What’s your favourite?”

“I actually like Guild Wars a lot, but my laptop can’t take it. So I usually play it when I go home on my desktop. But I do like everything, from Far Cry to Mariokart to Undertale.”

“What about old school? Sonic? Crash Bandicoot? Mortal Kombat?”

“Oh well I’ve played them and they’re nice. But the newer versions? I don’t know, they don’t give the same type of happiness even though the older ones were quite shit in terms of animation and music and strategies. They would trick you a lot. The newer ones have better strategies but just something is amiss, maybe it’s the nostalgia”

“You talk a lot. Anyways wanna start with Sonic? Dibs on Sonic!” Phil said loudly.

“Okay Phil! We’re not six anymore but sure you can be player one. What should I be Knuckles or Tails?”

“Tails obviously!”

As they started the game, Dan realized, he was barely even doing anything, as Sonic, being the main character, really controlled everything. And Phil was playing quite well, doing the bonus levels, finding the secret paths do get more rings and spouting Sonic trivia.

“Do you want to play? I feel like you’re not doing much?” Phil asked.

“No it’s fine. I feel like I’m shit at this, so you should be Sonic,” Dan said.

“Well I am the Sonic Master, especially after that bonus round.”

“Wow way to be subtle Phil.” Dan had a smile as he watched Phil play and be really proud of himself for excelling at the game. He even gave Dan the controller to play the next bonus round and Dan did fairly good.

“Something else now?” Dan asked when they finished two levels.

“Why? Because you’re so shit at it?” Phil asked with a smirk.

“Excuse me for not having an extra decade worth of practice on that game you old man!”

Phil was enjoying this. The light banter, pulling Dan’s leg occasionally, and Dan replying back with equal wit.

“You aren’t a decade younger to me. How old are you even?”

“22,” Dan answered, realizing there wasn’t much Phil knew about him. But he knew a lot about Phil.

“So are you feeling 22? Like Taylor Swift?

“Really Phil?”

“I mean she wrote that crap song about 22 being a feeling. Just wondering,” Phil said, with a shrug.

“Are you dissing Taylor Swift?” Dan asked with mock surprise.

“Umm she’s...she’s alright,” Phil answered with some hesitation, sensing Dan maybe liked her.

Dan waved his hand, “Yeah she’s just alright. Now 1975 is a kind of nice pop-rock band. And like if you want some R & B, with some pop, Frank Ocean is amazing-”

“Yeah I get it, Taylor Swift is a rat. Do you always talk this much?”

Dan felt a bit attacked and shrunk down in his sofa crease a more. “I’m sorry,” he offered.

Phil smiled and shook his head. “You choose a game now.”

And not because Dan felt attacked by Phil, nor because he was previously proven to be shit at another game, he chose Mariokart, a game he was exceptionally good at. It had nothing to do with the insults he was receiving from Phil, absolutely nothing.

It took only two rounds for Phil to know, Dan was kind of amazing at this game, and it made him want to try harder. He tried to distract him, said some ‘your mum’ jokes and in the end, in desperation, after losing five rounds in a row, he said, “You can’t even let a cancer person win a single race!”

“Oh don’t play the cancer card at me you sore loser! But because I’m the bigger person, I’m going to let you choose the next game,” Dan answered after staring at Phil for a long moment. Phil didn’t seem serious about the cancer comment, he just looked annoyed at losing again. So Dan knew it was safe to call him out.

“I don’t want to play anymore. Do you want to put on a movie or something maybe?” Phil asked, keeping his controller down and helping himself to the crisps. “Ehh why are they made of quinoa and not potatoes?”

“Because it’s healthier. And sure. Genre?”

“I see anime on the walls. Miyazaki? And also these are disgusting,” Phil said, making a face at the quinoa crisps, but still continuing to eat them.

“Kiki’s delivery service or Howl’s Moving Castle or Spirited Away? Those are the only three I have with me here.”

“Howl’s! I love that movie. It’s so rare to come across people into old school anime,” Phil commented, still eating the crips he claimed were disgusting.

And Dan thought it was probably the rarest thing to find a cancer patient, one you were kind of treating, and inviting him over and finding you had so much in common with him.

But he didn’t find himself minding the strange situation he had found himself in. Not when Phil discussed more about anime and other things, he found they pretty much watched the same shows and pretty much had a similar taste in movies. Not when in those few moments when they discussed how beautiful Miyazaki’s art style was and how good his storytelling was, and how when Phil told him he had a friend who was just as beautiful a storyteller and told him about the silly horror movies he made as a kid himself with a few of his friends, because he always wanted to be a director and loved horror a lot.

It was strange, very strange indeed. And wrong, completely wrong to befriend a patient.

But this one decision Dan could not bring himself to regret, at least not yet, when he was having fun playing video games with Phil, or just sitting back and watching a movie and quitely discussing it and a few other things about Phil. He had nothing to regret. At least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it! More character development is on it's way, promise!


	5. Forget What We're Told, Before We Get Too Old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello yes, welcome back to this fic that is irregularly updated, but updated nevertheless. And yes the chapter title is from the very song that runs in the background of the very popular medical show, Grey's Anatomy, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. Also this chapter very minor-ly discusses about how tough and stressful and sometimes depressing med school life is on mental health. It's a tiny portion but if you want to skip this chapter you can, you won't miss out on much ^_^

Dan thought his evening with Phil had gone fine, but he second guessed it probably went better than fine after Phil texted him if they could do it again tomorrow. Dan knew that he should reply in negative, make an excuse, tell him he was busy, but it was Sunday and really all he had planned for Sunday was check up with his therapist in the morning, do his laundry, make a decent healthy lunch for himself and study for the rest of the day. Because once was fine, but twice so soon with a patient has to be wrong.

Frustrated and just needing someone to talk to, someone who was not his therapist or his parents, he dialled the only friend he was still in touch with since school, his ex-girlfriend. She picked up on the third ring.

“Hey Dan,” She replied pleasantly. For how weirdly things had ended between the two, and how shut off Dan was from the world, Paige always did a good job of talking nicely to Dan and being there for him, on the occasional breakdown events he called her on.

“Hi Paige. How are you?” He asked, laying on his bead and playing with the stray pieces of thread coming off his bedsheet.

“I’m alright. What’s up?”

“Nothing much. You tell me.”

“Dan, you never just call me for no reason. I’m your non-therapist therapist, so spill.” Paige knew him well, too well.

“That’s rude. Also I do call to wish you Christmas and on your birthday,” Dan knew he should feel ashamed, but this was Paige. She had known him for years. She had been the one to convince him to see a therapist seeing how the med school was getting on his mental health. Had been the one to still try and keep in touch despite a breakup five years ago.

“Oh the two most important occasions, how could I forget! Anyways, I’m good, if that’s reeeeallly what you called to ask me.” Paige was trying to wiggle it out of him.

“How’s Pete?” Is what Dan asked, instead of getting to the point.

“Pete’s good. He thinks he’s great at hiding his surprise planning for our third anniversary, but he’s really not. He sucks at keeping the receipts away and leaving his computer unlocked with Amazon open. So yeah, how are you Dan? Let’s get to the point?”

Dan sighed. “Paige, I’ve recently been doing things in internship that my parents told me I shouldn’t do if I want to be a good doctor. And I’m confused.”

“Why? Is it something wrong?” She asked.

“No, it’s just...not the Howell-way of becoming a doctor.”

“And what exactly is that?”

“You know, how my parents had always been against befriending med school peers and being friendly to patients?”

“Yeah…”

“Well I’ve been doing those things,” Dan confessed, feeling like a child confessing to stealing a candy to an adult.

Paige snorted on the other side of the line and said, “Dan, Dan, Dan. Oh dear. Your parents again. Listen Dan, you’re your own person.You don’t have to be just the Howell-kind of doctor. You can be the Dan Howell-kind of doctor. And if being nice to patients and friendly to your peers makes you happy, then why shouldn’t you do that? You’ve let your parents mould you way too much. And even though they might have their best intentions, you’re your own person Dan. And I’ve told you that a million times. Even when we broke up years ago because of them, I told you, you should try thinking for your own once.”

“I know but, I’ve lived my whole life thinking and preparing to be the Howell-kind of doctor, since I was like five and-”

“And now you’re twenty-three! You’re too old and a bit too late to the party of starting to befriend people, but it’s your life. In the end you should make decisions that make you happy. Unless it involves killing someone then you shouldn’t do that.”

Dan chuckled. Paige had a way of getting to him, trying to make him see reason always. Only he never saw it and always ended up doing what his parents wanted of him. “I can’t kill someone. My job is literally to do opposite of that. But like this first week of internship is making me realise, I’m finally here, being a real doctor, talking to patients, realising I can’t help but feel empathetic towards them.”

“That’s a good thing. I’d want my doctor to be empathetic to my pain. I’d want my doctor to be nice, smile, maybe crack a joke or two with me.”

“How about befriending them? Would you want to hang out with your doctor?”

“Dan, where is this going?” Paige asked, immediately feeling a steer in the conversation.

“Nothing just, there’s this one cancer patient, close to my age. We just hung out and watched movies and played video games.”

“And that’s what’s given you existential crisis? Oh god Dan! You’re literally bottom of the hospital food chain, go ahead, befriend all patients, have fun. As long you’re professional when needed to, I guess it’s fine. I’m no expert at this, but in my opinion it’s fine.”

Dan stayed silent for a while. Paige asked him if he was still seeing the therapist.

“Yeah. Meeting him tomorrow.”

“Good then, talk to him. Take his opinion. And do what makes you happy Dan. That’s all everyone should really do.”

“Are you doing what’s making you happy Paige?” He asked, knowing she lived with her boyfriend of three years, working as a freelance editor for advertisement media, owning a dog with the said boyfriend.

“I don’t know if I’m moving towards the goal of being happy, but I’m currently in a content place. Happy with the way things are. Maybe sometimes I want more, sometimes I want less, sometimes I regret certain things, but I’m happy in the now,” She said.

“I want to be in the happy now too.”

“Dan, please talk to your therapist. Maybe it’s your bad day, today? If you’re feeling down, he’s the professional.”

“I know. I’m sorry for troubling you with my issues again-”

“It’s fine Dan. I worry about you still. Even though we dated for like four years, you’ve been my friend for nearly like fifteen years. Even if you call me only five times a year.”

Dan felt his guilt ebb away just a tiny bit at her words. “I’ll try calling more Paige.”

“You better. Come meet Pete and I sometime when you have an off. I promise I’ll try and make things less awkward this time.”

“Maybe not. But thank you. You know I appreciate you a lot, right?”

“I know you sucker. You’re so blind Dan sometimes. Honestly, how’re you even a doctor! I gotta go now. Am I going to see you or speak to you soon?”

“Soon, I promise.”

“Well you better keep that promise Dr Howell,” She said, and she was about to keep the phone when she heard Dan.

“Also Piage?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m really liking Onco-Med. More than surgery, I think.”

Paige snorted again and said, “Dan welcome to life. You’re a bit late, but we have learnt human life is too short and we need to make most of it by doing what makes us happy. Live your life Dan. Goodbye.”

“Bye Paige, thank you,” Dan said, pressing the red button on his phone and keeping it aside, feeling a bit better having spoken to someone. Someone who was not his therapist, who though helpful, just didn’t give off the same touch of loving advice as a friend did. Sometimes you need less professional, less diplomatic answers and more honest friendly advice.

And so after running back and forth with the right words to text Phil, he finally wrote, _“Sure, tomorrow 5 works for you?”_

Unable to study and thinking about Paige’s words, he opened up Google docs on his laptop and typed in a list of things, under the title- ‘Things That Make Me Happy’. If internship at med school was the start of his life as a proper doctor, then he wanted it to be a start of his life being happy in his own way as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to make a note that I'm in no way writing fiction about Dan's mental health issues. I'm kinda just projecting mine on this fictional version of him I've created. I've been dealing with depression for a while now. And I don't make a list of things that make me happy, but I do make a list of good things that happened in the past year at the end of every year to look back more at the good and less at the bad, which really does help btw. As someone who's grown up being told I have to excel at everything and actually excelling through school to becoming an adult scraping through Uni and life in general, is where my inspiration for this fictional version of Dan has come from. I hope you guys are taking care of your mental health as well! Toodles Poodles.


	6. Lights Will Guide You Home, And Ignite Your Bones, And I'll Try To Fix You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry I know it's been a while. But here it is, longer than the other chaps, and yes finally story progression!

6

 

Dan spent his Sunday morning, getting ready in a hurry and running to the local breakfast cafe Little Birdies at ten in the morning to see his therapist. And yes, he caught breakfast with his therapist on Sunday mornings, once or twice a month, depending on how he was feeling. That was the kind of advantage you have on coming from a medical background and having an eccentric therapist. Although he did initially pay for his treatment and meet his therapist at his office, after improving enough last year to warrant stoppage of his antidepressants, the therapist, a young man, just thirty years of age, thought they should make it more casual, since Dan was a doctor himself, with the surname Howell and it’d probably make it easier for Dan to talk to him if things were more casual between them.

Harvey Ventoss was the kind of medical professional his parents had warned him about. And maybe that’s why Dan secretly chose him, learning of his weird techniques. Harvey would often take groups of his patients, dealing with different things together for picnics or movies or call them home for a small party. Dan never joined those get togethers, but often he’d see nervous first-timers sitting outside his office, fidgeting or sometimes downright having panic attacks, to coming out smiling or at least feeling calmer than before. Harvey was weird. But Dan liked his weirdness. It did the job. Most of his patients seemed to improve whenever Dan saw them again. He was over-friendly with all his patients. Not like in a creepy way, but in a way where he offered group sessions to people suffering with similar disorders and parties so people dealing with different things and their loved ones could come together, join in and try understanding the whole spectrum of mental health and maybe make some friends out of it.

Dan always cited his studies, his anxiety over his exams and his depression to wiggle out of the countless offers Harvey made to him over the last year and a half that Dan had known him. But eventually when he suggested casual Sunday morning breakfast sessions once or twice a month, away from the clinic, after his meds could be stopped, Dan agreed. Removing himself from that professional setup did make talking to Harvey easier, even if Harvey was the least professional person.

Harvey was already sitting and applying jam and butter on his crumpet, his coffee cup half empty.

“You’re late Dan. As usual.” He sighed when he saw Dan.

“You’re fucking early,” Dan mumbled under his breath, but Harvey heard it and rolled his eyes. That was another thing. He could swear in front of Harvey. Harvey in fact, would tell his depressed patients to shout and scream and swear at all the things that frustrate them and make them angry. Said it’s never good to bottle up emotions.

“You look good. Seems like you actually had a bath this morning,” Harvey commented, noticing Dan’s wet hair.

“You and your unusual ways of asking the simple question, how am I? I’m good if that’s what you wanted to get at,” Dan said, looking through the menu.

“Oh getting straight to the point are we? So tell me how was the first week of internship?”

“It’s actually been really nice I guess.” He finally decided on ordering himself a vegetarian sandwich in multigrain bread and a decaf coffee.

Slowly over the course of their breakfast Dan told him about his past week as an intern, not in as much detail as he told Paige about, but letting Harvey know, that yes he enjoyed talking to patients, he feels empathy towards them and other fields of medicine like Onco-Med were not bad fields. He told him about Rhiannon and Eileen who offered him tutoring juniors in his free time. He told them about the cancer patients and their suffering. For some reason though he skipped Phil. He just didn’t know why, but he didn’t want to talk to Harvey about Phil. At least not yet.

“It seems the last week has been your best mental health week then,” Harvey commented when Dan finished his story about how one of the older ladies gifted him and Rhiannon a box of cookies before being discharged.

“I guess.” A smile etched across Dan’s face with that realisation.

“I think I’m learning something here about you Dan. You’re happier when you’re helping someone, when you’re not alone. When you have more purpose than just studying and being the class-topper. You like when you’re talking to people and helping them out, but because you’re socially awkward and your parents messed your social interaction skills while you were a kid, sorry but they did, you’ve been hesitant to approach people or let people approach you. But with your career as a doctor, you are going to have to interact with patients all the time. And you did. And just this one week has made a difference. I think it’s making your health better as well. Am I right?”

Dan thought about it, mindlessly swirling his now tepid coffee. Had just one week of being an intern, a semi-doctor had changed so much in him? Did he actually like helping people so much?  _ Has this week really done so much for me? For my mental health? _

And Dan knew the answer was yes. He spoke to Eileen, to Paige and to Phil in this week. He always spoke to Rhiannon about studies and hospital stuff. He even agreed to meet Phil again. Yes , something had changed within him in just a week.

So he nodded, drinking the last of the coffee before it went too cold.

Harvey smiled a huge smile, the kind where you could see his crooked lower incisors and patted Dan really hard. “I’m so proud of you son!” he exclaimed.

Dan was taken aback a bit by Harvey’s sudden hit but he should’ve expected it. Harvey’s always been a bit dramatic.

“You’re just thirty. Aren’t you a bit too young to have a twenty-two year old son? It’s very weird if you think about it. You’d have to be a father at 8. Eww!”

“Okay stop. You know what I mean. You’re my metaphorical son. All of my patients are my kids in one way or another.”

“Even that Grandpa who reeks of smoke who used to come on Wednesdays?”

“Maybe not him, but you get it, right? Or well you will, once you start having patients of your own completely. You’ll feel responsible for them, much more than you do now as an intern.”

Dan did understand. He already felt responsible for the cancer ward patients’ health. Phil’s the most for reason. And he couldn’t even imagine how much more this feeling would be magnified when he’d become their main treating doctor, the one to make all decisions about their lives, their bodies.

He left the cafe at a pleasant note. Such a pleasant note that when Harvey offered him to come to his Typical British Tea Party next weekend, he said he’d think about it. He went back to his room and did his laundry. And as he waited for the washing cycle to be done, he cut up veggies and stir fried some chicken for a salad for his lunch. He hated eating healthy but according to Harvey and his own books, it’s essential to eat healthy even for your mental health. He throws in some exercise in there as well at times, when his mental health feels really down and a run or some exercises off a YouTube video seem like a good idea for a distraction.

After putting his clothes into the dryer, he sat with his Internal Medicine book and read about the renal system, chewing on his salad slowly, the Undertale soundtrack playing softly in the background. After finishing his lunch, and folding up and hanging all the dried clothes in his closet, he jumped onto the bed with his book, pencil in his hand, underlining away the important bits, writing notes on the side as he read away.

He remembers reading about how kidneys maintain the acid-base balance and the next thing he knows is his door being knocked heavily.

He glanced at the clock and it’s half past five and he rubs his eyes before realizing he had slept off reading about the kidneys and Phil was already at his doorstep. He opened the door to him, eyes still red, an effect of being woken up halfway. He welcomes Phil with a huge yawn.

“Well good morning to you too,” Phil said with a smile, letting himself in. He’s got a bag on his back and he’s wearing a black jumper with a colourful geometric bird on it and black skinny jeans. He sits on the couch and keeps his bag on the floor.

“Sorry, I fell asleep studying. How’re you today?” Dan asks him, taking a seat beside him on the couch.

“Same old same old. Wasted time on the internet, trying to earn some cash and not be a complete waste of space in mum and dad’s house, talked to friends and slept. You?”

“Same old. Studies and sleep and stuff.” He skips out his therapist’s part.

“How are we in our twenties? Aren’t we supposed to be adults earning and having the time of our lives?” Phil asks, resting his head back and staring at the ceiling.

“Well you have cancer and I’m a Med student. You’re sick and I gave up on life when I took medicine, so yeah.” Dan didn’t really want to say that out loud but it slipped off his tongue before he could control it.  _ That’s why I don’t have friends. I’d offend them on regular basis,  _ he thinks.

Expecting a rude comeback, Dan’s surprised when Phil chuckled. Phil’s not the type to be easily offended and Dan’s glad because he’s not really good at the whole friendship thing yet.

“At least you had a choice. You did it to yourself mate.”

“I don’t think I did. My whole family for generations has been doctors. Married into doctors. Own a hospital. All I’ve known all my life is medicine. It just seems like a rite of passage,” Dan admitted.

“But did you really want to become a doctor?” Phil asked Dan, looking at him now.

Only one person had ever asked Dan that question before. And that was Paige. Right a few days before they broke up. And he’s answering Phil the same thing he answered Paige.

“If it’s all you’ve ever known then it’s all you want to become.”

“You didn’t really answer the question but it’s fine. I guess we don’t always have all the answers to things that happen in our own lives. Anyways I got my Switch and I got us some snacks. I er- think I was a bit rude yesterday. You’re like right about me eating healthy so umm yeah I got stuff.” Phil wasn’t really apologizing, he wasn’t saying the words, but he was, in his way.

Dan raised his eyebrows, and Phil clearly avoided looking at him. “Who knocked some sense and manners into you today?” He asked Phil jokingly.

Phil didn’t answer right away. He fidgeted with his bag and removed his PS console, before answering, “I umm I’m not rude. I mean I wasn’t rude, before the cancer. I was a really nice person. I used to not even swear. But like if I was nice and life still gave me cancer, then why should I not be rude, be a bad person and do what I want? Life hasn’t been nice to me so I guess I’m trying not to be nice too. I have no reason to be nice anymore anyways. Who knows when life might cut my cord, you know? But then my friend PJ, remember I told you about him yesterday, the storytelling guy? Yeah he told me I was being a dickhead to you. So yeah… Don’t get ahead of yourself. I barely know you. You could still be an absolute weirdo. I mean I have a history of attracting weirdos. So if history is anything to go by….”

That was a whole lot of information for Dan to process and comment on, but he had a feeling Phil wasn’t good with apologies and didn’t want to talk about it so instead he asked the thing that intrigued him the most about Phil’s little speech. “You have a history of attracting weirdos?”

“Yeah. There were tea people on the plane once that were just drinking tons of tea and then getting up to pee again and again and I was the unfortunate one in the aisle seat. Then there was the drunk man who tried to sell me his dirty shoes. Then there was the strange woman on my door once who asked if I wanted to meet The Mother,” Phil said making air quotes, “Whatever was that even supposed to mean. So yeah if you’d have done a bit of research on me Dan, you’d know I attract weirdos.”

“Wait, how am I supposed to know that? Is Facebook stalking you going to give me your life history?” Dan was confused. How did Phil expect him to know everything about him.

“No not Facebook. Umm YouTube. When I said I earn money from the internet, I meant YouTube, no shady stuff there. I make videos about my life and apparently a few people like it and YouTube pays me for it.”

“Right. And I was just supposed to know that?”

“Don’t you stalk new people? Are you even from the same generation as me?”

“Oh shut up grandpa! Need I remind you you’re older than me?”

“Yeah but at least I internet!”

“Your mum’s an internet!”  _ Was that too far? Mum jokes? _

Much to Dan’s relief, Phil just laughed.

“On second thoughts, don’t check out my channel,” Phil said, removing two games out of his bag and his old ps console. “So I’ve got two nostalgic games for today.”

Dan observed them and they were from late 90’s. “Phil these are decades old.”

“Yeah but they are fun. I think we should start with Bishi Bashi, because it might...umm let’s say piss us off a bit and then Bubble Bobble is nice and calm. We should also like compete. But what should be our price?” He thought about it for a few seconds. “Okay if you win Bishi Bashi you can have the marshmallows, but if I win, I get them. And if we cross 50 levels on Bubble Bobble we can can get pizza?” And Phil produced a bag of giant marshmallows from his bag, followed by a large  packet of Doritos.

“Sure mate. Also that stuff is not healthy.” Dan said eyeing the giant bags of junk. “But if you want to just eat that stuff, just eat it, you don’t need to win anything, as long as it’s not alcohol, you can have it in moderate amounts I’d say.”

“No but winning the game makes the food reward even better! Okay so get ready. I’m going to wreck you!”

“Famous last words Lester.” Dan had a bit of competitive streak when it came to video games, and Phil was igniting it. He swore to give it his all, even if the old games were confusing him and their lights and graphics and music were a bit too much.

Phil won the first four rounds of Bishi Bashi but once Dan got the hang of it he won all the six rounds till the end.

“What! This is cheating!” Phil exclaimed throwing his control aside.

“Oh Phil, oh dear,” Dan said in a teasing manner, opening the bag of marshmallows and eating it in an exaggerated manner, moaning at the food.

Phil gave him a look at the moaning and Dan blushed and stopped. His cheeks were full of marshmallows on the inside and he felt a blush rise on the outside. He quickly chewed on them and swallowed them silently afterwards as Phil giggled at him.

“Oh whatever. You’re paying for the pizza if you lose!” Dan said and they put on the next game.

The next game was even more confusing to Dan. This old arcade game had so much history and lore and trivia and Dan was just surprised Phil knew it so well even though he said he hadn’t played it in years. Phil knew all the cheats, the bonus rounds, all the little things that would help them to go ahead. They agreed whoever would last the longer would win. And Dan tried his hardest but Phil lasted just two level more than him.

“So I guess the pizza is on you! I’ll have anything which is spicy and has pepperoni on it. Some garlic bread would be nice,” Phil said smirking throughout.

“Fuck off,” Dan said but opened the website on his phone to order. He ordered a small American Hot for Phil and a Texas bbq for himself with a side of garlic bread that Phil reminded him of again as he peeped into Dan’s phone and some diet coke.

“You’re ruining my diet. You’re a bad influence. I’ll have to work out the whole week now,” Dan said once his order was confirmed.

At that Phil checked him out up and down obviously and said, “Really? I didn’t take you for a health freak?”

“Oh well umm it’s just a doctor thing,” he said not wanting to talk about his mental health.

“Sounds sad. Well anyways, movie till we get the pizza?”

They couldn’t settle on a movie so they decided to start a new anime. It was about a teenager who had given up on fighting evil spirits being pulled back into that world again after a stranger bumps into him. Their pizzas arrived just as the first episode ended and they mostly sat in silence as they ate watching the second episode. But after one slice of his pizza, Phil pushed his box away.

“What?” Dan asked noticing Phil pursing his lips looking suddenly like he was in pain.

“Just feeling a bit nauseous. I shouldn’t have had cheese. I don’t like cheese but I can take it on pizzas, but now the smell is very offensive and it’s tasting weird,” Phil said, clutching his stomach.

“Do you need some anti-emetics? Something to drink. I can make you a lemonade quickly. It’ll help with the nausea.”

Phil nodded and Dan left his half-eaten pizza to make some sweet and salt mixed lemonade. It was something his grandma would make him whenever he would fuss over his medicines and try to throw them back out after barely swallowing them. Phil thanked him and drank it quietly and sat with his eyes closed for a few minutes.

It was then, looking at Phil, Dan realised he had completely forgotten Phil was a cancer patient in the past few hours.

_ “This is what you get for befriending patients Dan. A sick friend. A friend who could even die. So what is the point.” _ A voice within Dan’s head said, sounding suspiciously like his dad.

He tried to ignore it and sat down beside Phil, reaching his hand out to his shoulder, and gently rubbing it, unsure if Phil wanted that kind of touch, that comfort. He had seen Phil being very opposed to comfort in the hospital with his parents. It was a very unsure, tentative kind of touch, one where Phil flinched, but let Dan rub his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I should get going,” Phil said, getting up and putting his stuff back in his bag.

“Hey it’s fine. If you’re still not feeling completely fine, you can wait out here. Or like I said I have meds,” Dan spoke in a soft voice.

“No I don’t want to be a burden, thank you.” Phil managed to give Dan a small smile.

“Okay wait, I’ll drop you. Where do you stay? We can take an Uber,” Dan said getting up, and putting on his shoes, over his tracks.

Phil didn’t argue any further. The cheese didn’t sit well with his taste buds and his stomach at all. He put on his own shoes and said, “We can walk. I don’t stay too far. My parents rent this apartment nearby, because it’s closer to the hospital and the rent is cheap. It’s so pathetic that they can’t even stay in their own house because their 26 year old son can’t take care of himself. He needs someone to drop him home after having some cheese. Great! Just great!”

Dan now understood where Phil’s sudden bad attitude came from. He just wanted to be normal and do normal things. And when he couldn’t, because of his cancer, he’d lash out his anger at the person closest to him at the moment.

“I’d say it’s really nice of them. They care about you a lot. You’re lucky to have such parents. Not everyone’s parents can provide that kind of unconditional love and support that they’ll uproot themselves from their house and move in close to a hospital so that their son is fine. It’s not pathetic Phil. You’re sick and I think sometimes you need to accept that and cut yourself some slack. You need to be kinder to yourself.” Dan gathered his house keys, his wallet and his phone and stood at the door as Phil stared at him for a long second after his little speech.

In the end Phil nodded and kept his head down and followed Dan out. Phil led the way once they crossed the Uni gate. And even though Phil was only an inch smaller to him, Dan felt like Phil was much smaller then, trying not look up or talk. He just hunched his shoulders and they walked in silence. Dan wanted to do something, to reach out to Phil. Maybe hold his hand, or slap him and tell him it’s fine to have a little nauseous episode, especially because cancer meds made everything worse. Even perfectly healthy people have such episodes after smelling something bad or eating something that didn’t sit well with their stomach. He wanted to scream at Phil that he’d be fine one day, anything to make Phil look up and make him the cocky guy he was only an hour ago, boasting of his victory at a game.

But he stayed quite. Let Phil have his own peace as they walked. Phil walked slowly. And Dan didn’t say anything about that. He knew Phil wasn’t at a stage of his cancer that could not be cured. He could be cured. He could very well stay in remission for years if all his chemo and radio sessions went right and he took care of his own health. But he didn’t know if Phil could ever go back to being the Phil he said he was before his cancer, if he didn’t take care of his mental health. He just needed to stop being the version he had in his head of what a normal twenty-six year old was supposed to be like, and accept that it wasn’t bad to break down and ask for help at times. He knows it’s hard, after his own mental health experience. But he doesn’t know how to get that point across to Phil.

Phil stopped when they reached a building complex

“This is me,” he said, pointing to one of the buildings.

“Okay. Take care,” Dan said, not knowing what else to say.

Phil nodded and started walking towards his building.

“Wait! Phil! I-” Dan knew Phil didn’t like his therapist. And he had a great therapist. Maybe Harvey could help Phil. “I have a therapist. He’s a great guy. And umm I go to him for my problems. And I know you don’t particularly like your current therapist, from the comments you’ve made about them. So if you want, I can get you an appointment with him. I’m not saying you need mental health help, but I’m saying that sometimes it’s not bad to let yourself go of all expectations and beliefs and be yourself. And it helps to talk. I know that from my experience. So yeah…”

Phil bit his lips as he stood, looking at the ground instead of Dan.

“Phil…?” Dan asked, moving closer when Phil didn’t reply.

“Hmm maybe. It’s gonna be a mess, starting all over again with someone new when the past dude hasn’t even made a blip of change to my life.”

“It isn’t going to happen in one day Phil. You have to give it time. In fact my therapist, he’s umm quite famous for his techniques. He’s having a small party for his patients and their relatives this week. I might go for it. If you want, you can come along, see for yourself if you think you can get along with this man.”

“Okay,” Phil said finally meeting Dan’s eye.

Dan gave him a smile and suddenly Phil surprised him with a hug. He lost his footing for a second, but he caught himself as he felt a Phil’s arms around his neck.

“Sorry. Sorry. I’m just having a bad day.” He could feel Phil’s voice shake and the tears dripping from his eyes.

“It’s alright Phil. Everybody has bad days,” Dan said and hugged Phil back.

Phil was quick to end the hug and walk away, waving him goodbye.

And even though Dan had to return home to clean up a mess of half-eaten left open food from his floor, he was glad he at least broke a chip of Phil’s wall. It was a start. And even though it wasn’t an act as a doctor helping someone, helping a friend felt just as great, if not better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...what do you guys think? Finally laid down all the characters, background info and Dan's history. It's time to now delve into Phil's character and see what's making him the way he is, and eventually you know after all the angst and slow burn will come the fluff.  
> ALSO WTF WAS EVEN GIVING THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT VIDEO. (I watched it about six times already. I'm ashamed of myself. I'll go. Bye)  
> Also not that anybody cares buuuuuut- I'm participating in PBB this year, and im excited about my story! I just hope I manage to finish it in time with Uni and major major exams and my mental health


	7. Take It All In And Wake Up That Small Part Of Me

7

 

It was Dan who texted Phil after having not heard for him in two days after the little nausea incident. He thought two days seemed like enough time to not look like he was too worried about Phil, but also worried enough as a new friend? So he just casually texted Phil, asking him how he was.

Phil replied after an hour and a half in one word- Fine.

Dan sighed at that reply.  _ Back to square one _ , he thought. The little progress he had made towards befriending Phil, was rolled back completely. Back to rude, one-worded replying Phil. To try and get back to being his friend, because yes he did enjoy being friends with Phil even if it was for two days and there was plenty that went wrong, he wanted to befriend Phil. He couldn’t exactly put a finger on why.  _ Maybe because we have so much in common? Movies and shows and games. Yeah. Or maybe I just want to help him because he’s my patient. Yeah. But is it okay to go so out of my way for a patient? _ Dan’s thoughts went round and round in circles before he finally found the courage to text him- “Wanna hang out today?”

This time Phil replied in a few moments saying, “Not today, don’t feel too up for any form of movement.”

And before Dan could sit around another hour and rationalise his thoughts to form a decent reply, he texted without thinking too much- “I’m okay with movement. Want me to come over?”

It took Phil a good fifteen minutes to reply, but at least it was a positive reply. Dan asked him his building and flat number and told him he’d be over by six. 

He had a tutoring session with one junior that Eileen had found him, that he hoped he’d finish before six. He worked quickly at the hospital, running all the tests for the new patients, checking up on the old ones, reading and attaching the reports to their files, making sure they all took their meds for the day. Working like this in a hospital, running around continuously, was so much different to the hospital life he’d grown up in. In his parents private hospital, the patients would be treated quite royally, them having plenty extra staff to run around with samples and reports. His parents would have set two days for operating, set two days for seeing the out patients and two rounds everyday for the in patients of the ward. It allowed them quite a lot of time to relax and spend that time in studying and research. While in government hospitals, it was hard for anybody to be free. Everyone had their hands full. And each department could do with extra hands. Dan dreaded how bad Emergency Medicine would be if just Onco-Med took most of his day.

Dan finished his work by 4 and left for the library to tutor the second year med student. He was glad the junior only wanted some help in a particular chapter of immunology. He explained her the basic concept and asked her to read through the chapter now to make it more clear. She thanked him and asked him if they could make this a weekly thing, if she could come with her doubts to him once or twice a week and Dan could help her. Dan agreed. It was like revision for him, so he didn’t see any problem with it.

He dropped his lab coat and bag at his room and grabbed his wallet and phone. He walked to Phil’s apartment that was a fifteen minute walk. He texted Phil he was outside and Phil rang him in. Phil was at the door when he reached up by the lift.

“Hey,” Dan said with a small smile.

“Hey.” Phil returned the smile.

“Who’s it Phil?” Someone shouted from across the lounge and Dan knew the voice belonged to Phil’s mum.

“It’s Dan, a friend of mine,” Phil shouted back and indicated Dan to follow him.

“Wait, who’s Dan? I’ve never heard of him before,” Phil’s mum said.

“You don’t need to hear about all of my friends mum. I’m a fucking grown up!” Phil screamed and led Dan into his room.

“Sorry you had to hear...all that,” he said as he closed the door behind Dan.

“It’s fine. Relax Phil. She’s just looking out for you,” Dan told him.

“Yeah it’s just...nothing. Take a seat. Would you like something to drink? Tea or coffee or something? I’m gonna make myself some coffee.”

“Coffee would be nice,” Dan said sitting on Phil’s brightly coloured bed.

“Milk and sugar?”

“Yep. Just not too sweet.”

“Alright. I’ll be back in a few. You can pick out a video game or movie till then,” Phil said pointing to the huge shelves that had a massive collection of video games, movies and tv shows.

As Phil left, Dan noticed how the whole room was so much in contrast to the Phil he’d come to know. The room was too bright for his personality. The white walls were plastered with posters of old school movies and anime. There was some art there as well. The bed sheets with their bright blue and green checks seemed to stand out. Phil did kept it pretty messy though. The clothes were lying in one corner on a chair and the shoes were strewn in no order in the corner. And there was an array of soft toys and cute little figurines in the nooks and corners, the bedside table, over the computer table, over the windowsill.

Dan had barely got through a few of the video games when Phil returned with two cups of coffee.

“Which one?” He asked showing him a Hello Kitty mug and a panda mug.

“Umm Hello Kitty? Wow it’d look like I’m drinking right out of her brain,” Dan said, finding it a bit weird, why a grown man had an interesting choice in coffee mugs.

“Did you know that Hello Kitty is not really a kitty but supposedly a little girl?”

“Wow I’m learning something new with you everyday Phil.” Dan felt a smile spread across his face. Little steps with Phil.

“So game?” Phil asked as he sat down on the chair, indicating Dan to sit on the bed.

“I don’t know, I’d be happy with Mario Kart, but then again I think you’re a sore loser,” Dan said, giving Phil a single eyebrow raise.

“Oh piss off! I’m sure you stay up all night and train. Or you’ve got some special Mario Kart magic powers. But whatever. Have you tried Overcooked? I’ve played it a few times with friends over. It requires some coordination and there’s Fortnite, which just makes me quite angry if I’m being honest.” Phil definitely was a sore loser, but he wasn’t going to let Dan rub his victories in.

“Phil, are you ever never angry?” Dan meant it as a joke and he hoped Phil got the joke, but then again words left his mouth before he could think twice about them.

“Yeah, when I beat your ass that one round of Mario Kart.” Phil got the joke. Dan heaved a sigh of relief.

“Oh your short lived victories. Anyways Overcooked was it?” Dan asked, taking the chair beside Phil’s.

Phil nodded and set up the game. It was a good two player game, not too annoying like Fortnite but not too chill. It provided something to talk over and avoid the world around.

They played at times amicably and efficiently but for most part of it, it was a complete chaos and them just screaming at each other to pass a vegetable. Phil found himself laughing more and more as they played, seeing how easily Dan got annoyed when he wasn’t handed anything over in an instant. He swore much more than usual and looked at Phil like he was about to hit him when they lost a level where Phil burnt the food once and served wrong dishes twice.

“Phil, you’re absolute crap at this game!” Dan said when they lost again at the fifth level.

“Oh as if you’re any better! You suck-”

“I don’t want to hear you complete that sentence Philip Lester,” Phil’s mum said, suddenly entering his room, making both of them jump. “Oh hello. Aren’t you the young doctor at the Hospital?” She said after staring at Dan for a few moments. She was carrying a tray full of cookies that looked homemade and some crisps.

“Umm yes. Hello Mrs Lester,” Dan said, offering a small smile. Dan’s mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts.  _ What is she thinking? Of course she thinks it’s weird I’m here. Why should a doctor be in a patient’s house. Will she complain on me? I should’ve never come here. This is bad. This is terrible. This is- _

“Hello. I’m sorry, I never caught you name,” She said, keeping the tray down on the table, beside the computer and wiping her hands on the side of her top, before offering Dan to shake it.

“Dan, Daniel Howell.” Dan shook her hand, glad she wasn’t already throwing him out. Although she did look visible confused at his presence and kept looking at Phil who avoided her eyes.

“I didn’t know Phil was going to have friends over. We’d have made ourselves scarce. But since we’re here and you’re here, would you like to stay for dinner?” She asked. Dan could feel Phil stiffen beside him, like she was treating him like a little boy. Dan didn’t want to stay around for the family drama he was sure would follow.

“Oh no, thank you Mrs Lester. I don’t want to be any burden,” Dan said, refusing her as politely as he could.

“Oh it’s no burden. Plus I think Phil’s brother might drop in too for dinner. It’d be nice to have a friend of Phil’s.” She was persuasive, not just being nice.

Dan made it obvious and turned to Phil, looking at him for an answer. Phil just shrugged after giving it a bit of thought and Dan gave mrs Lester a small nod.

“Great! I hope you have chicken?”

“Yes I do.”

“Alright then. See you boys down in half an hour.” She left, but a silence still hungover Dan and Phil.

“Do you not want me to stay? I could leave in an instant, make an excuse or something,” Dan offered when Phil hadn’t said a word for a full two minutes after his mum had left.

“No it’s fine. Stay. I bet you don’t get home cooked meals often at the hospital,” Phil said, in a small voice.

“Listen, Phil, I know something is not fine. Do you want to talk about it?” Dan didn’t want to go round and round again. He just wanted Phil’s walls to be broken once and for all.

Phil sighed and looked up at his ceiling.

“It’s just, like I’m back in school or something and they want to know about every friend of mine and talk to all friends of mine and make sure I’m hanging out with the right people. Ever since I was diagnosed, it’s like they forget I’m a literal grownup man, capable of making my own decisions. I hate staying with them. I hate their constant presence. I hate that sometimes they have to see me wake up at night and puke my guts out. I hate that they have to see me unable to swallow a bite of food because some days I just can’t. I hate that they are here and have to see me in pain. And I hate the fact that I do need them.”

Dan could see Phil was biting his lips hard, looking up and blinking too often, his adam’s apple moving up and down as his voice cracked. Phil was trying hard not to cry.

Dan didn’t know how to console him right. But he knew he could share something about his own life, since Phil shared something about his.

“Phil, look I know you don’t like being dependant, but look at it this way, these people love you so much, that they are willing to make you the center of their world. You want to know something about me? I’ve been a huge loner all my life. I always had very few friends and next to none after I joined med school. Acquaintances but never friends. My parents weren’t always there for me, but constantly drilled into me I had to be the very best. There’s been a lot of pressure over me, to top, to be more skilled than my peers. I spent years trying to be the person they wanted me to be, realising I only screwed my life over. It’s only been very recently with my therapist’s help I’m getting my shit together, trying to have more people in my life than just me and my career. So it’s okay to be surrounded by people at times, especially people who love you, because being on the other side, being lonely, isn’t too great either.”

Dan finished his little speech and Phil still kept looking up. Phil brushed the few tears that had managed to escape his eyes and looked at Dan after a few seconds.

“I would think you’re someone who’s got your life sorted, know where it’s heading. Have good friends surrounding you. You attending posh parties and whatnot, because face it, you do sound like the queen. But you’re just as much of a loser as I’m. Both of our lives suck,” Phil said, a sad smile on his face.

“It does. It sure does. Let’s try to make it better, hmm?” Dan asked, offering Phil his hand.

“To getting rid of cancer and becoming less of a loner,” Phil said, pretending to raise an imaginary glass.

Dan clunk his own imaginary glass with Phil’s and said “Cheers.”

They sat and watched the third episode of the anime they had started watching at Dan’s room last time, managing to almost finish the plate of cookies before the were called down for dinner.

Downstairs Dan was greeted by a man, who Dan could reckon from miles away was Phil’s brother. They looked quite alike, except for the hair which his brother seemed to lack but Phil had plenty of. He also met with Phil’s dad who was also surprised to see him, and shared a look with his wife on seeing Dan there.

Dan tried to make himself as invisible as possible over the dinner table, but the Lesters were a bunch of talkative people. What Dan was doing? What did he plan to do in his future? Where was he from? How did he like the chicken tikka masala? If he was into sports? At one point his dad and brother started naming the sports even though Dan said he wasn’t into any sports, as if wanting to confirm that a man on earth existed who didn’t like any sport at all.

“Well I do like Formula 1 Racing. I also enjoy watching tennis sometimes, and olympics in general. But I don’t follow any sport religiously.” Dan finally cleared the air out, hoping they’d stop naming all the sports they could think of.

Why did all men conversations steer to sports?

At one point Phil’s mum casually asked him if he had someone special in his life, at which Dan choked on his food, but quickly caught himself and shook his head, hoping the topic would not last long.  _ Maybe I should’ve tried harder and refused this dinner. This is horrible! _

Phil it seemed who was so far, just sitting back and enjoying Dan’s misery, smiling slyly at the hundreds of questions his family was throwing at him. The smile did wipe off for a second, when the ‘special someone’ question came up but it came back as soon as Dan shook his head no.

Dan did take a notice of Phil enjoying his misery. And he hoped he’d get to him later.

The conversation soon slipped into something safe, the latest season of The Great British Bake-off. He  could see Phil’s family was super close even when they spoke about things from here and there and nothing too personal, trying to make Dan feel included into their conversations. He couldn’t remember the last time his family just sat around and chatted about normal things. It was always about work or Dan’s studies and Dan’s future and how one day he’d be the heir to their Howell Hospital.

When the dinner ended, Dan thanked them for letting him stay for it. It had actually been a while since he’d had home cooked food. And he did truly appreciate it. Dan said goodbye to everybody but Phil told him he’d walk him out.

Dan did notice a smirk and a wriggle of eyebrows from Martyn, Phil’s brother, directed at Phil as both of them got up to leave. Dan didn’t know what to make of it, or rather his head just didn’t want to make anything of it.

But Phil noticed and rolled his eyes before guiding Dan out of the house. As they waited for the lift, Phil said, “I think my family questioned you more in the past one hour than I have in the three times I’ve met you.”

“Four actually,” Dan said. Correcting someone was a second nature to him if he knew the right answer. He knew he could be insufferable sometimes, but he blamed it on consequences of being too smart. They entered the lift and Phil pressed the button to the ground floor.

“Ehh I don’t count the time in hospital. I don’t ever want to count those times,” Phil said, after some time. 

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

“It’s fine Dan. I’m also sorry for my family...umm being a bit overwhelming.”

“Overwhelming? They were so nice. And your mum makes pretty great Indian food!”

“I’ll be sure to invite you next time she makes it.”

“That’d be nice. Thank you,” Dan said and they walked in silence to the gate.

“Alright. I’ll see you around?” Dan had wanted to say soon, but in his head soon sounded weird, so he settled for around. Around didn’t seem like the right word either, but at least it sounded better than soon.

Phil nodded.

Dan turned to leave and walked a few steps away when he heard Phil call out his name.

“What?” He said walking back.

“That therapist you spoke about. Do you really think he’s good?” Phil asked in a soft voice.

“He’s the reason I’m here really. He hammered into my lonely head to make friends. He’s good at his work and he’s overall a really nice person.” Dan felt more comfortable talking about his mental health now to Phil.

“Could you get me an appointment with him?”

“I can certainly try. If you want?” Dan asked the last part as an afterthought. He needed Phil’s confirmation.

Phil nodded.

“Alright then. I’ll text you if it works out. Till then his weekend tea-party offer is still up.”

Phil gave it some thought and said, “When and where?”

Dan smiled and told him he’d text him the time and address.

The smile lingered for a while that night as Dan kept thinking, that it was the first time Phil asked for help on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what was really difficult the last couple of days? Avoiding SPOILERS! Infinity War spoilers one side, Interactive Introverts Spoilers the other side...


	8. Manage Me, I'm A Mess

8

 

Dan had only one more day left in Onco-Med. He had formed an attachment to his first posting and wasn’t looking forward to Psych. And especially not looking forward to the next eight weeks after that with Grayson the bully in Internal Med. The more he thought about Internal Med, the more he wished it would be anyone else but Grayson, because he knows now that he can actually enjoy other subjects besides Surgery. If only he’d have a good teacher, he could probably even end up liking Internal Med too.

He expressed his sadness to Rhiannon about leaving the department, who just downright freaked out.

“Oh god! I forgot! It’s already time for you to go! You are so good at your work Dan. What would I do without you? Please tell me the person who comes next is at least competent?” Dan was internally quite happy at her freak-out.

“Ehh yeah I guess. Jason is next. He’s smart but I don’t know about his practical skills much,” Dan said as they sat and crossed off the things they’d already finished from their morning to-do list.

“Oh well. I sure hope so. With Jacob also on leave till his exams get over, I was pretty much on my own until you came along. It was really nice to have you here. You know what, why don’t we celebrate tomorrow? I’ll treat you to some nice cupcakes. There’s a bakery not too far and their cupcakes are to die for. What do you say? After dinner tomorrow?” Rhiannon offered.

As sweet as the offer was, Dan’s brain started searching for an excuse. He had plans with Phil. And he hadn’t still told Rhiannon of his friendship with Phil. he don’t know why he hid it from her, since he did tell her a lot about his life, as boring as it was. But he knowingly always left out Phil. He was afraid there’d be some kind of judgement, some kind of warning, a threat, to stop whatever budding friendship they’d grown to form because it’s not an appropriate thing to do. But also he didn’t want to refuse Rhiannon’s kind offer. And he did feel like he deserved it for helping as much as he could around. Going the extra mile for his seniors and his patients.

“How late is this bakery open?” he asked finally, unable to come up with a good excuse.

“Ehh I guess till late? Since it’s near the Uni and all. Why? Do you have plans tomorrow?” Rhiannon looked suspicious, but also smirking, like there was something more exciting going on in Dan’s life in her head.

“Uh yeah.”

“What plans? Studying? Come on, you can take a break.” She was still smiling.

“Ehh no. Umm actually I’m meeting an old friend tomorrow. From school,” Dan lied, not looking up at Rhiannon, just skimming his eyes through the list again and again.

“Old friend?” Rhiannon seemed surprised. She had quickly caught on to the fact that Dan was a bit of a loner. “Nice. Getting done with a posting and celebrating with an old friend, I see.” She elbowed Dan jokingly and Dan felt his cheeks and ears warm up.

“It’s nothing like that. He’s just...in town so we decided to catch up.” Dan ran his fingers through his hair, adjusting it unnecessarily.

“Uh huh. Well catching up can mean a lot of things Dan. I’ll do one thing. I’ll see if they can deliver. So when you leave, you can take an extra one home for you know, your old friend.” Rhiannon wasn’t going to let this go.

“It’s really not like that. Ehh your making things weird. Besides I’m straight, so like whatever.” Sexuality was something Dan had gone over in his head and again ever since he could remember. Being straight was just another thing programmed into him, like being a surgeon was. Except sometimes he just couldn’t deny when a beautiful boy walked past him or talked to him, he’d feel that little flutter of butterfly wings in his stomach and an ever so slight increase in his heart rate. But he told himself it was probably something everyone experienced as a reaction to beautiful people in general, like how beautiful things made people happy. And he had a girlfriend that he had some really nice time with, who further cemented the fact in his head that he was straight, erasing any doubts whatsoever. It had been a while since anyone questioned his sexuality and put him into the thinking zone again.

“If you say so. I’m just pulling your leg, don’t take me seriously. But no really, I’m going to miss you kiddo.” He was glad Rhiannon dropped the subject and her joke.

“I’ll miss you too. Even though you made me work overtime,” Dan replied, with no ill intent.

“Hey! That was all you. Actually, you know what, I’ll get them tomorrow morning on my way to the hospital.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know. But I always like to treat my good interns. Plus I get to eat the cupcakes too. It’s sad being in this ward alone. So I like to celebrate every little thing.”

He ponders over Rhiannon’s words for the rest of the day. Even as he tutors Natalie, the second year junior, the words swirl around in his head. Celebrate every little thing.  _ It seems like a nice sentiment to live by. _

He finished explaining the junior about the various antimicrobial agents and took a leap of faith. It wasn’t really faith, but just a leap of hope, that it’d go right. He called up Phil, something he never did, he usually just texted him. But this was urgent.

“Hey?” Phil’s customary greeting sounded more like a question.

“Hi. Umm are you free right now?”

“Umm, maybe? Why?” Phil’s voice sounded deep and groggy and Dan wondered if he was either waking up from a very late nap or disturbed from a very early night sleep.

“I was wondering if you want to grab dinner with me? I have some good news to share.” He did have some good news for Phil.

“Good news?”

“Yes Phil, good news!”

“Umm I guess sure. Where?”

“There’s this Indian restaurant not far from your building. Zyka?”

“Uh yeah I know that,” Phil said, sounding a bit more awake.

“Cool, I’ll meet you by your building in fifteen minutes. Alright?”

“Hmmm.”

Dan hung up after a bye and grabbed his phone and wallet and set off. He reached Phil’s building entrance before Phil, who came down after another five minutes.

“So what’s the news?” Phil asked as he came up to Dan, with a small smile on his face.

Dan took a moment to look at Phil, because Phil really looked good in black. He was wearing a shiny black jumper and black jeans, with black framed glasses and his black haired wig, styled into a neat quiff. All of the black contrasting with the paleness of his skin and the little pink that had filled his cheeks from walking fast.

Dan shook his head of the thoughts and said, “Do you want me to say it now? Or at least when we sit down with our spicy curries?”

“Now,” Phil said firmly, not wanting to beat around the bush.

“Alright, I managed to get you an appointment with Harvey, my therapist, for next week Tuesday!”

Phil stayed quiet for some time, walking in silence, before he finally said, “Is that really something worth celebrating?”

“Uhh yeah! Every little thing that helps you get better is worth celebrating, isn’t it? You should find happiness in the little things Phil!”

“You sure I shouldn’t come to you instead? You seem to be doing a fine job and psychoanalyzing me and trying to make me feel better. And be what exactly happy for? What little things? That I’m still alive?”

Dan shoulders dropped at that. He really was trying to help Phil, do something nice for him. And Phil wasn’t really appreciating it.

“Just doing a doctor’s job,” Dan replied drily.

“I’m sorry. I did it again, didn’t I? I don’t know why, but being an asshole has become like second nature to me,” Phil said, sighing.

“I wonder why.” Dan didn’t even try to hide his hostile thoughts.

Phil didn’t offer an explanation back, so they walked in silence. They reached the restaurant and the server seated them, leaving them with two menus.

“What’re you having?” Phil asked, nicely this time.

“I guess chicken jalfrazi with naan. You?” Dan said.

“Hmm I’m feeling naan but also don’t want to feel it mess up my insides. Rather go low on the carbs and spices, I think I’ll have a vegetable biryani with some riata.”

“Oh shoot. I should’ve not suggested this place. I forgot it’s not the healthiest choice for you. I just thought it’d be the nearest one to you. Do you want to go somewhere else?” Dan said, forgetting his anger for the moment and thinking about how bad Phil’s stomach could react with the medicines and all the heavy, spicy food.

“It’s fine Dan. Really. I’ll just ask them to make it less spicy for me. Actually thank you. I umm...really appreciate this.”

“Do you?” Dan questioned. Because he always felt like he was on the edge with Phil. Every time he’d let himself think he made some progress with Phil, Phil would kick him out of the boundary line.

“Yeah… I do. Even if I’m sometimes an asshole about it.” Phil looked genuinely sorry so Dan nodded and muttered it was fine.

They ordered their food and found themselves slipping into easy conversation once the initial tension passed away. There was conversation about how great Indian food really is and how Phil couldn’t wait for the day he’d be completely fine so he could stuff his face with the spiciest curry and the heaviest buttered naans, as they had their food. Then there was conversation about the new Avengers movie about to come out and all the possible theories about where the soul stone could be, who’d die, who’d survive. Then there was conversation about Dan’s day at the hospital and how Rhiannon was getting him cupcakes for being such a great intern.

“You really are a good intern Dan. You deserve it,” Phil said.

And Dan didn’t know why, but the tiny compliment, very similar to Rhiannon’s, made him blush, even though it didn’t when Rhiannon had said it.

“Thank you,” Dan muttered, feeling bit embarrassed.

And then their conversation slipped in how Phil was making a new game with his friend PJ for a video. Going over the rules and playing a few trial runs, working out the flaws and scoring system before making a proper video for it. How his whole family played the thing, that Phil had termed ‘The Seven Second Challenge’ and seemed to enjoy it.

“You can be a fun guy at times,” Dan noted.

“Yeah I guess I’m alright. Just an ordinary guy called Phil, with sometimes mild rage episodes.”

“I think you’re more than alright, more than just an ordinary guy called Phil with sometimes mild rage episodes. But you don’t let yourself be that fun cool guy most of the time.” Dan didn’t know where the words were spilling from. He wanted to blame it on his now sleepy head, that was satisfied after a nice hearty meal.

“I’ll try harder then. I...umm no promises. This anger in me, I don’t know, it sometimes just lashes out, and sometimes I feel like a complete bloody mess. But I will try,” Phil said, toying with a piece of pea on his plate with his fork

“Thank you,” Dan said with a smile and told his brain to shut up before he said something weird again.

After a moment Phil looked up and said, “Just for you.” And winked.

Dan couldn’t understand why the simple, probably meant it as a joke gesture, made his heart race just a tiny bit.

Phil insisted he pay for the meal, since Dan managed to get him the appointment. But Dan insisted he be the one to pay because it was his idea and he wanted to do something nice for him.

“Dan, you’ve already done a lot for me. Just let me get this, okay?” Phil said firmly holding Dan’s hand under his, and grabbing the bill with the other.

And no, it wasn’t the flutter of butterfly wings in his stomach, at Phil’s strong hold over his hand, but only the Indian food now sloshing around.  _ Yeah it’s just the food. _

After that Dan couldn’t argue anymore. Phil paid for the meal and they walked out. And Phil suddenly broke out into a game of “I Spy”. In the ten minute walk to Phil’s house, Phil guessed all the three things Dan had noted, while Dan could only guess two of the three things Phil had noted. In his defense the car had already ran past by and it wasn’t a fair round.

When Dan reached home and climbed into bed, he tried not to think too much about the little flutter of butterfly wings in his stomach on seeing beautiful people or the weird sensation when Phil winked at him or touched him, or how all his life he’d always known one thing, but slowly this internship phase and his new friends and his patients were changing all the things he thought he knew about himself.

Needless to say, sleep didn’t come too easily to Dan that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil's already a mess and Dan's slowly becoming a mess. Ahh I love this chapter title and how well it fits. Now starts the slow burn. I hope you guys like it! (Also 1000+ hits! Wohoo. Thank you to everyone who's been so nice to leave a kudos or a comment)


	9. It's Amazing How Could Change The World With A Smile And A Hug

9

 

The tea party at Harvey’s was awkward, to say the least as it began. Then again Dan had always been a loner, so people interaction was not his forte. But as the party progressed, things got less awkwards and more interesting, in a way. He saw a very different side of Phil at the party. And with the way he could put a smile on someone else’s face, he knew there was a completely different Phil, within the Phil he knew, and it was strange but also kind of nice seeing that Phil.

When they arrived after having traveled together making small talk, Harvey immediately greeted Dan enthusiastically and pointed him to the rack of cupcakes a nice patient of his had baked for the party, he then greeted Phil and told them he was looking forward to their appointment in the following week. He also expressed disappointment at the two of them for not getting anything to eat for everyone else.

“Wait, I thought it was your party, shouldn’t you provide the food?” Dan said, looking around and finding most people had walked into Harvey’s backyard with some or the other thing to eat.

“This is what happens Dan when you avoid my parties all year round, you don’t know anything. A the rate that I keep parties for people to meet each other and make friends, I’d be a poor fellow. Besides it’s a nice way to give my patients to do something, either cook or go buy from the store. It’s all a part of recovery somehow or the other,” Harvey said, sipping on his tea.

“Sure, obviously. Not like you do it for the free food or anything,” Dan remarked.

“Hey! I provided the tea, I provided the music, I provided the backyard and obviously support to my patients. Nothing beats that. Philip, I have better hopes from you. Next time do come with something.”

“Sure!” Phil sounded excited, happy even, to Dan. He was smiling and shaking hands with Harvey as he left.

“He seems like a nice person, definitely seems like a good host, his patients all look happy,” Phil said, looking around at everyone.

“Yeah.” It was Dan’s first time too and his patients did look happy. It felt like a lot of them were friends already, or making friends and some were just sat behind calmly on the chairs, drinking tea while some were eating and some were playing Heads Up in one corner. There were about twenty people altogether.

“Which group do you want to hangout with?” Dan asked Phil.

“Definitely the one hanging behind and having food. And maybe then the oldies Heads Up group. What do you say?”

Dan nodded in agreement and they both helped themselves to a cup of tea and a plate full of different pastries, cupcakes and biscuits. They sat down with a middle-aged looking couple, seeing theirs was the only table with some place to spare.

“Hello, can we sit here? Everywhere else is full,” Phil asked politely.

The couple nodded and politely introduced themselves as Carol and Benjamin Porter. Dan and Phil sat down after introducing themselves as well and quietly tucked into their food, but for some reason the couple kept staring at Phil, which Dan thought was weird, because Phil looked perfectly fine. Phil’s clothing, wig, all were proper and he had nothing stuck in his teeth.

After sometime though Carol spoke up and said, “I’m sorry, but I think I’ve seen your photos in my daughter’s bedroom. Are you AmazingPhil?”

“Er yeah, that’s me.” Phil gave them an awkward smile. But Dan noticed, how even the little bit of blood he had under his pale skin, drained off.

“Do you mind if I call my daughter over? She keeps watching your videos and you make her smile often. She’d been through some trauma in her life and then she was bullied really badly in school. After that she stopped talking to everyone for a while. Even us. It was a hell of a time for us,” She said and looked at her husband who held her hand and squeezed it, reassuring her.

“Yes, but we went to a lot of doctors and then started therapy with Harvey like a year ago and now she talks again. Sometimes she still has episodes, but she is a whole lot better now. We gave her some time off from school and then changed her school. She started watching a lot of YouTube around the time she stopped talking to everybody. We never gave up on her and she’s a brave one. And we know Harvey has helped her tons, but I know somewhere you’ve helped her too. She gets really happy when she watches your videos. She made us buy your t-shirt for Christmas,” Benjamin said.

“I’m sorry for what she had been through. You should definitely call her. I’m glad I could help her in any way possible.” Phil’s voice was soft, and the awkwardness he had a minute ago, faded away.

“She’s just inside playing video games with some other kids, I’ll get her,” Benjamin said and left to get his daughter.

“She’s twelve and her name’s Gabriella and she’s going to be absolutely thrilled. You don’t mind, right? I’m sorry we didn’t ask you before. You could be here for some mental health reason and we’re forcing-”

“It’s completely fine Mrs Porter I’m here because...because-”

“He’s here to support me. We’re old friends.” Phil didn’t look like he was comfortable telling the strangers his real reason for being there, so Dan stepped up and lied for him.

“Yeah I’m here to support him. We’re...old friends,” Phil said, looking at Dan with a small strange smile.

It wasn’t his first smile from Phil, and the smile probably didn’t even mean anything more than a thank you, yet Dan’s heart rate sped up just the tiniest bit.

“You’re such a lovely person. I’m glad my daughter looks up to you. Oh there she is,” Carol said waving at her daughter who walked timidly, hiding behind her father. Dan and Phil exchanged a look. They could maybe guess why she was being bullied after just one look at her. She walked with crutches and her one leg was shorter than the other and both her legs looked extremely thing compared to the rest of her.

“She had an accident a few years ago,” Her mother whispered to Phil as they approached the table.

The girl looked at her father with wide eyes, who smiled and nodded at her. When they reached the table, Carol took her daughter’s hand and whispered, not too softly that Dan and Phil couldn’t hear, but soft enough, to give her daughter some assurance and courage to go say hi to Phil.

“It’s alright. You can say hi to Phil. He seems like a really nice person Gabi. I was just talking to him,” Carol said. She stood up from her chair to let her daughter sit. She sat down and balanced her crutches against the table.

Her father also nodded at her encouragingly and she shyly extended her hand towards Phil. Phil took her hand and shook it gently, asking her her name.

“Gabriella Porter.” She had a soft voice and she looked so cute in her Wonder Woman t-shirt, standing at barely four feet. Dan wondered how could anybody bully such a cute little kid. To the point where she stopped speaking to other people. Dan couldn’t even imagine what could be going on in her head.  _ Poor little soul doesn’t deserve to be scared. She should be happy and playing and carefree _ , Dan’s eyes stinged just a little bit for the young girl. 

“Hi Gabriella. Your parents were just telling me you were playing video games with your friends inside. What games do you like?”

She looked back at her parents who nodded at her. “I was playing Minecraft.”

“Oh, did you see my video playing that game. I was quite bad at it, wasn’t I? I didn’t even last more than ten minutes.” Phil used a softer voice with her.

“Yes you were pretty bad. But you were also funny,” She said, smiling this time.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” Phil said, ruffling her hair a bit.

“I also enjoyed your baking video. They’re always so bad.” Her smiles grew bigger and she made more eye contact with Phil.

“Oh well. I try. Maybe if I keep trying, by next year I can be good enough to apply to The Great British Bake Off, what do you think?”

“No, you would not qualify.”

“Ouch.” Phil fake pouted, but then laughed it off. “Do you maybe want a picture with me?” He asked.

Gabriella nodded happily and her dad quickly got his phone out. Phil stood up and crouched behind Gabriella so that they were both on the same level and smiled a bright smile into the camera. Gabriella looked happy too and for the second photo she asked Phil if she could hug him. Phil opened his arms instantly in reply and hugged the little girl tightly, engulfing her in a bear hug.

The scene tugged at Dan’s heart. He had never seen Phil bein so smiley and delicate with someone, and definitely not seen him hug somebody so nicely, that he could just take their worries away with his hug. A part of Dan, longed for a hug like that.

“I’m going to go show this to my friends. Thank you,” She said and she looked like the happiest kid in the world. She attached her crutches back to her arm and walked away.

Dan wanted to hug the little girl as well, but obviously he couldn’t. He just sat back and hoped her life only got better from here on and she’d never have to face bullying again.

Carol and Benjamin profusely thanked Phil, who just held his hand up and shook his head. “It’s absolutely no worries. She’s a brave young girl. I’d like to send her some of my merch if that’s okay?”

“Yes, she’d love that! It’s really not a problem to you, is it?” Benjamin asked.

“Oh not at all. It’d make me happy to make her happy. If you could give me your email id and your address?”

They gave Phil their information and thanked him again. Phil assured them it was fine and got back to his food again. But two cupcakes seemed a bit much on his stomach and he very slyly shook his head in Dan’s direction, putting away his plate.

“Oh. I think they’re doing Disney movies at Heads Up. Do you want to go see that Phil?” Dan suggested, noticing Phil’s distress.

Phil nodded immediately and got up. The Porters thanked him once again. Dan abandoned his food as well and they slowly walked over to the group playing Heads Up. It consisted of five people, well over their fifties.

“Are you alright?” Dan whispered to him.

“Yes, just the heaviness of the cupcakes got to my stomach. I’m fine.”

“You did great with that kid. It’s so sad someone could bully such an innocent little soul.”

Phil blushed a bit but shook his head, “Anyone would’ve done the same. Kids can be mean sometimes.”

“Yeah they can. I really need to watch your videos now. See what all the fuss is about. For someone who puts smiles on other people’s faces, you smile very less Phil Lester.”

“I’m going to try smiling more. I’m trying, honestly, but sometimes it’s not easy. It’s much easier to put on a mask in front of the camera. But please don't watch my videos. It’s weird now that you know me.” Phil made a weird face.

“Well too bad Lester. I want to know this other side of you. The one that speaks so softly to kids and makes fail baking videos.” _ And gives such great hugs in time of need and is kind to everybody else but himself _ . Dan didn’t speak the last sentence out loud.

Phil groaned but then shrugged. “I can’t stop you. But don’t expect that Phil when you see me again. He’s just in front of the camera. Trying to pretend he’s whole and okay and happy. This is the real Phil, broken and angry.”

“I won’t. But maybe someday I hope, both those Phil’s can coexist. Both of you seem like nice people. Maybe you both just need to strike a balance?”

“Maybe. I’m here to give that a try, aren’t I?”

“Yes and I’m quite proud of you for that.” Dan had an urge to just squeeze Phil’s hand in that moment and hug him tight and assure him it’d be fine. And kiss his cheek and try and take all his pain away.

But he did none of that. Instead they joined the oldies in playing the game and it turned out, they made a pretty good pair. They guessed almost all the ones in all the different categories they played whilst one of the older gentleman complained, “They know each other too well. This isn’t a fair game.”

The statement couldn’t be further from the truth. They both still had miles to know each other well, but Dan was happy with this start. For once he didn’t question his friendship, but happy that when he decided to finally start making friends, he found someone as nice as Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry this is going to be a long note and probably no one is going to read it. But I'm going to say it anyways. I'm sorry it's been a while since the last update. I haven't been in a great place, mentally. I had this written up a while ago, but like I didn't want to post it. I wanted to add more things. But the more I thought about it, especially in the phase I am currently, the more I felt like deleting everything. It's pretty shit anyways. Like there are so many mistakes everywhere that I'm surprised people could even read though and understand them. I want to delete everything I ever wrote. It wouldn't be the first time I did it. Everytime I've been in a bad place, mentally, I tend to delete everything I've created, tear the pages apart, forget about it and start anew. I've done this in different fandoms, original writing, my poetry books, etc. Because these phases make me think I'm not great at it anyways so what's the point, right? But Dan and Phil's videos have really helped me whenever I've been in a bad state. So I write for this fandom as a way to release some stress. Sometimes writing helps, sometimes it doesn't. It's one of those times when it's not helping. I still don't know what I'm doing or going to do. I was pretty excited when I posted the last chapter and now I'm just...I'm not excited. But I want to stick around. You can't always just run from your problems by deleting some aspect you don't like, right? If only you could delete real life problems instead of your creations. So yes, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know when or if I'll update this again, or just plain old delete everything ever.  
> Thanks to whoever has read it so far, been so kind to leave a comment or a kudos, I really appreciate it. I hope you guys are doing well, and if not, take care, everyone deserves to be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on my tumblr- www.tiniestbauble.tumblr.com


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